Dear Elizabeth,
I’m a 28 year-old woman in a long-term relationship with a man. I want a family and I like him, and I know he would like a family. I’m pretty certain he would ask me to get married if he knew for sure I’d say yes, and I would say yes, but I have this fear that he’s not “the one,” in part because when I am alone or when I am with him, when I close my eyes I always think about someone else. I think about a close cousin. I think about a teacher I had in school. I think about sex with a boyfriend in college. I think about random people I’ve met during the day.
In real life, I have been with very few other men, but my fantasies are with everyone but him. In fact, I’ve tried to NOT fantasize when I’m with my man, but I just get frustrated. I’ve tried to fantasize about my man, but that doesn’t work either.
But if we’re not even married yet and in my head I’m already cheating, then does that mean that in real life our sex life is doomed? It’s not like I feel guilty about it, but in your experience is it a red flag?
Everyone But Him
Dear Everyone But Him,
“The One” is a myth, but the idea of having a suitable erotic partner is a reality. There is no magical person who is 100% perfect for all our needs, and who fulfills every erotic fantasy we could ever conjure up while simultaneously being immaculately stress-free in every life scenario outside of the bedroom too. That’s simply not realistic. We are human, after all.
While perfect isn’t realistic, really damn good is absolutely possible and should always be the goal. Nobody should settle for a partner they aren’t happy with most of the time. Stress in life is inevitable, as are disagreements. Erotic joy, on the other hand, is a choice we make.
Do I think your situation is a red flag? Perhaps. Is it a yellow flag? Absolutely. As I read your letter, the key word for me is BUT. You say your fantasies “are with everyone but him.” It’s completely normal to have fantasies about other people, even during sex with your partner. Your fantasies are private and harmless, even if they run counter to how you’re living your life. The fact that you fantasize about so many other people isn’t a red flag at all.
The concern is that you don’t fantasize about your partner too. Given how many long-term couples report a decrease in sexual activity over time, often to the point of years of celibacy, you are right to worry about your future intimacy together. The bottom line: if your sex life isn’t great early on, it’s highly unlikely to get better with time.
What you describe sounds like a gender-bent Madonna complex. You eroticize anyone but the person you should ostensibly be eroticizing. Have you had this pattern with prior partners? Or is he simply not sexy to you? Your letter doesn’t indicate whether this was a problem in past relationships.
So, what do you do about it? Choose your priorities. If having a family is the most important life goal for you, and you are willing to sacrifice a fulfilling sex life in exchange for healthy parenting, that’s a valid choice to make. But it’s worth discussing with your partner whether he would consider an open marriage, though your attraction problem may be entirely one-sided.
If that’s not an option, are you prepared for a lifetime of erotic mediocrity? You’re certainly young enough to find a different person that fulfills more of your sexual needs in the future. Ultimately, the choice is yours: settle and settle down with this man, or seek out another man who inspires your erotic imagination and desires a family too.
E.R.B
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com