Dear Elizabeth,
I’ve engaged in masturbation most every day of my life since I was 11, and I’ve always done it in a certain way with a LOT of friction, but now I am afraid that I have gotten used to something that another person can’t provide. Lubricant and excitement only makes it worse. Can you help me unlearn a need for a certain kind of sensation? I’d like to have fun with other people. I want there to be a book or a guide or an exercise because I know with the internet I am not the only one with this problem, and I hope I can figure it out on my own without having to struggle again and again with someone else. Help!
A gem cannot be polished without friction, nor a man perfected without hardships — Seneca
Dear Seneca,
You can absolutely have fun with other people. What you describe is not an unusual situation. In surveys about frequency of masturbation, responses are all over the map: anything from multiple times a day to never. There is no one normal answer, only what’s normal for you and your body.
In terms of friction, the same rule applies. Everyone needs different things, and what is normal for you is perfectly okay. Requiring a lot of friction to achieve orgasm is only a problem if it harms your skin or causes discomfort for your partner. Since you are concerned about this, I’ll reassure you that our bodies can indeed learn. The adage about “you can’t teach an old dog new tricks” simply isn’t true.
Bodies learn new things all the time, throughout our entire lives. Our brains are amazing sponges that soak up information and spit it back to us in useful ways. Since the brain is our most passionate driver of arousal, if we target our brains to tap into our neural plasticity, we can learn new ways to experience pleasure. The challenge? Brains love to learn patterns, and positive reinforcement keeps those patterns going. An orgasm is huge positive reinforcement, so it’s easy for our brains to learn, “Hey, this thing gets me off the fastest and easiest, so I’m going to do that every time.”
Luckily for us, human brains are also creative and adaptable. The key is to be patient with yourself, go slow, and be open to alternative modes of achieving pleasure. Give yourself practice sessions. Take orgasms off the table initially, to take the pressure off. Simply experiment with lighter forms of touch or different texture toys, anything that changes up your usual masturbation routine. Going without orgasms for a little while as you play with this will actually make it easier to climax in time. Part of the challenge with having frequent orgasms is there is so little buildup of tension that it can take longer or require more sensation to have the same result.
If practice and patience don’t create changes in your body’s reactions, you could also have an underlying medical issue. Early-stage erectile dysfunction (ED) can manifest as orgasm difficulty. ED can be affected by underlying cardiac conditions, diabetes, or other health causes, so it’s worth seeing a physician to rule out other problems. Your letter doesn’t say how old you are, but these diagnoses can happen at any age.
Ultimately, I want to push back against the idea that this will necessarily be a struggle with a partner. The point of intimacy is to please each other and have fun. Different people’s bodies need different things to be aroused; if your partner can’t be open-minded enough to enjoy your erotic journey in whatever form it takes, maybe the partnership isn’t the right one. It’s a myth that we all magically climax in perfect penis-in-vagina unison. Think outside the box and find a partner willing to support whatever your body needs.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com