A Bird in the Hand

Dear Elizabeth,

I’m a straight guy in my thirties and I’m kind of getting involved with one of my friends. We’ve known each other a long time, and we’ve always gotten along well, but we’re both single now and there’s some obvious chemistry. All that’s great, except one challenge. She’s mostly dated women during the time I’ve known her, so I’m a little worried her sex expectations will be out of my league. I’ve always gotten high marks on my oral skills from women I’ve been with, but do you have any advice for what to do with my hands? I don’t want to be a clumsy mess. Pardon the pun, but I feel like I need a manual.

A Bird in the Hand

Dear Bird,

The reason women don’t come with a manual is that every woman’s set of operating instructions would be different. Some women enjoy extremely light clitoral touch, while others prefer heavy pressure. Some women respond well to shallow penetration, but others need deeper thrusting. Although I can’t give you directions for what your partner will prefer, I can share some options.

Female anatomy varies dramatically. Clits come in all shapes and sizes, as do labia. Getting to know your partner with your hands first is an excellent way to map out the territory and learn what her body likes. Our fingers have spectacular perceptive abilities, much more than our mouths do. There’s a reason Braille is typically read with fingers rather than tongues. It’s not just because the pages would get wet and paper cuts on your tongue would really suck.

What’s fairly universal? Several things. Most women orgasm from clitoral stimulation rather than penetration alone. In fact, only 18% of women can climax purely from penetrative sex. The majority of women take longer to achieve orgasm than their male partners, which means women tend to orgasm less often in heterosexual sex than men do. Your hands may not be enough; it’s normal for women to need vibration to reach orgasm. This is one reason fingering can be so much fun – it’s a hot balance between teasing and satisfying someone.

There are countless techniques for manual stimulation, including instructional videos online for how to pleasure women. Your best guidebook is listening to her and watching her. Start gently; you’re trying to arouse her, not mangle her. Focus on her clit with strokes and circles. Ask if she wants more pressure and listen to the sounds she makes. If she presses her body into you, she’s likely asking for more intensity. Follow the motion of her hips with your fingers.

Internal touch is trickier, because women have g-spots in such different places. For many women, their g-spot is located upwards just behind the pubic bone. You don’t have to dive wrist-deep aiming for someone’s spleen to reach this spot. It’s shallower than you’d expect. Gentle pressure here feels good to most women. Although some prefer harder thrusts or tapping, it can be too much sensation for a lot of people. Consistent pressure on this area can lead to squirting in some women.

Further confusing the matter, as arousal levels increase, some women prefer deeper internal pressure, either upwards or straight in. Again, communication is key, and you should always be listening to her body. If your partner’s past lesbian sex experiences haven’t involved penetration, this is a good way to prepare her body for penetrative sex. On the other hand, if she’s been having marathon strap-on fiestas, involving your fingers can help add stamina to your sexual encounters.

The biggest takeaway? Find joy in giving. One reason heterosexual couples often overlook fingering as part of their sexual repertoire is that it’s not providing direct stimulation to the male partner. Hearing your partner’s arousal is sexy and can turn you on, and so should feeling her excitement in your hands.

E.R.B.

Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com

Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com