Dear Elizabeth,
I am planning to move in with my longtime boyfriend in a couple of months. We’ve been seeing each other for about a year. We get along. Sex is good. We know each other’s mostly bad habits. So why change anything, stupid? But it’s a hell of a lot easier to pay rent for one house than two. We are thinking about starting a family. You can’t start a family in separate houses, that’s when families fall apart.
I can make a long list of reasons to move in together, but I can also make a list of reasons not to move in together. I can’t stand the sound of him eating breakfast. I can’t stand the sound of anyone in the morning. Before 9 a.m. I want to be alone. Afternoons and evenings are the best. But at night I want to sleep, and he wants to read. I am a light sleeper. He moves his feet constantly in bed.
I also dread becoming my parents. Or his parents. My parents are twice divorced. His parents have been married almost 30 years, but sleep in separate bedrooms. Is the secret of a happy marriage separation? And if so, what’s the point and what kind of message does that give to our children if we have children? I want to do better than my parents did for me.
Better apart?
Dear Better Apart,
You love him, but he isn’t perfect. Guess what? Neither are you, and that’s okay. Nobody is perfect, and the idea of a problem-free relationship where everyone poops rainbows is unrealistic. It’s also unrealistic to believe that there’s only one correct relationship style that will work for everyone. Given the high rate of divorce, it’s reasonable to not want to become your parents. It’s also reasonable to be asking these kinds of serious questions before escalating your relationship further.
As you mention, parenting together in separate homes is tricky. But living together in separate bedrooms works for many couples, because it allows them a healthy amount of personal space. Recognize that you don’t have to move endlessly up the relationship escalator and you are allowed to detour and choose your own path. Too many couples fall into a rut of toxic monogamy and are unable to function separately in healthy ways.
Sleeping arrangements aren’t the ultimate test of a relationship. We tend to equate living together and sleeping together as evidence of a successful partnership. Instead, I would argue a truly successful partnership is the one that works best for you both and makes you happy, whatever that looks like. More than a third of Americans sleep separately from their partners, so if you made that choice, you’d be in good company.
Sleeping together can be great for many people. If you have sleep compatibility, co-sleeping can even improve REM sleep. Your unique attachment styles also matter—one study showed heterosexual women with less secure attachment styles benefitted most from spending more time sleeping with their partners.
On the other hand, sharing a bed, even with someone you love, can still be an awful experience for some people. If a partner snores or has insomnia, or if partners have different body clocks, it may be beneficial to sleep in separate beds. Interestingly, the challenges of co-sleeping don’t affect people equally. Women are more prone to the effects of insomnia and more sensitive to bed movements, while men are more likely to snore. This puts women at a distinct disadvantage in many co-sleeping arrangements.
Language matters. I push back against the term “sleep divorce” that is often used to describe partners sleeping in separate bedrooms. Instead, I would offer the phrase “sleep autonomy” because it allows you the freedom to rise and shine when you choose and set your own schedule for when you go to bed at night. Let him read in his own room, and sleep solo if it makes you happy. A healthy level of sleep autonomy can ensure sweet dreams for you as a light sleeper and give you space in the mornings when you need to be alone.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com