Dear Elizabeth,
I’m a male heterosexual engaged to be married to a woman ten years younger, she for her third time, me for my first. We share values on most levels, but regarding our past love lives and present friendships we diverge. I consider her to be a very jealous woman.
My best friends have usually been females, either past lovers with whom I have remained good friends or women with whom romance never evolved. But my fiancée has instructed me that she never wants to meet any of my past lovers. I’ve always felt differently. When a former female lover develops a new romantic relationship, I have been eager to meet the new man in her life.
Worse, she does not want to hear about any experiences about my past if they have been shared with my past romances. While I consider myself an “open book” with my friends, with my fiancée I must self-censor. For instance, if I’m to tell her about a significant story of my life, I have learned to omit mention of the person who was accompanying me if she happened to be female, whether friend or lover.
Both of us are totally committed to maintaining a monogamous relationship. But I consider her jealousy the fear not of losing, but of sharing. How can we resolve our imbalance?
Kiss and Tell
Dear Kiss and Tell,
You have a right to have meaningful relationships with other people. You have a right to have close friendships with people of the opposite sex, even if those people are objectively attractive. You are allowed to have things you discuss with those friends that aren’t your partner’s business because it doesn’t involve her just as her friends have the same right to privacy from you.
It’s a strange pattern in our culture that people tend to hate on their exes. If you liked someone enough to want to be intimate with them, why not like them enough to stay friendly afterwards? Barring awful behavior, of course. Your friendship with people in your past is what I call a relationship green light. It tells me you are capable of maintaining a connection with someone even though a relationship has de-escalated, and you are consistent in caring for others. You care deeply enough to have a healthy curiosity about the new directions their lives have taken.
Where is her jealousy coming from? Have you exhibited any toxic behaviors that would prompt her to react in this way? Why did her prior marriages end in divorce? Was cheating involved, either by her or her ex-husbands? Frequently, I only have one half of the story in reader letters so I invariably have curiosity about these things. If her past experiences are coloring her present-day relationship patterns, that’s problematic. We shouldn’t punish current partners for the transgressions of others. I recognize this is easier said than done.
In absence of more details, I can only theorize this behavior is a reflection of an anxious, insecure attachment style. Author Jessica Fern has a great read on how attachment styles developed in early childhood impact our relationships as adults. It’s a beneficial book for anyone dealing with relationship insecurities, even in monogamous relationships like yours.
Once you have a better understanding of the issue and the language involved, some therapy wouldn’t be an unreasonable choice. It’s not a problem that will resolve on its own. I’m concerned that you are frequently walking on eggshells when relating your earlier life experiences, which is a rocky starting point if you are preparing to escalate your relationship into a marriage.
Your situation is also a good opportunity to use your words. If she is asking you to do something you aren’t capable of doing, the onus is on you to tell her. The level of conversational gymnastics required to talk about your past without mentioning the people who were present or part of that story may be an unreasonable ask for you.
Monogamy is a sexual expectation, not a form of social isolation. It’s a healthy way to have a consistent person as a home base, a best friend, a lover, and a cheerleader when times are tough. It’s not a voluntary prison sentence. A healthy monogamous relationship shouldn’t create a conversational minefield. You have a right to be open and honest always, particularly when communicating with the person you love most.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com