Dear Elizabeth,
We are planning to marry next year and writing in hopes you have advice about a major compromise in our relationship. One of us wants kids, the other does not.
How do we work out a reasonable compromise on something so huge? We are otherwise extremely happy, but this seems like something we should have more or less sorted out before going through with the wedding. We both want each other to be happy but this has been an ongoing loop of discussion that gets us nowhere.
Stork or No Stork
Dear Stork,
I’m a huge fan of compromise in relationships. We are often raised with the fairy tale idea that when we grow up, we will meet Prince/Princess Charming, fall in love, and everything will be perfect. That doesn’t happen. Humans aren’t storybook characters, nobody is perfect (not even you or me!) and humans are innately complex creatures with elaborate needs and desires. It’s what makes life interesting.
Compromise allows us to stay sane, find joy, and support each other. Compromise is great when your partner wants a steak dinner but you’re craving Indian food. It’s perfect when you can’t decide what show to watch on TV, so you start with one and finish with the other. It’s super helpful when you agree to divide up household chores so you can both get things done to spend time together afterwards.
But not everything can be compromised. Compromise is not appropriate for enormous life-altering things like having children. You can’t have half of a kid. You can’t have a kid that you only deal with on alternate days. You can’t change your mind and send the kid back to the stork factory for a refund if it’s a jerk. A child is a decades-long commitment that will change every aspect of your life every day unquestionably.
It’s not about you. It’s not about your partner, either. It’s about the child. Every child deserves to be born into an environment where they are 100% loved and wanted. They didn’t sign up to be born nor do they get to choose their parents, so it’s unfair for the future child to be brought into a partnership where they are 50% unwanted and will be 100% resented. Nobody should have to raise a child they don’t completely love, adore, and want.
If you opt not to have children, there are ways for the partner who wanted to be a parent to be involved with young people. That person could be a favorite aunt or uncle, a beloved godparent to friends’ children, or volunteer or choose a career path that allows them to work with kids. There’s such a need for good people to work with kids who are struggling, and this is an excellent opportunity.
If you take this path, you won’t be alone. Nearly a third of US households are married couples without children. It’s an increasingly popular option for various reasons, with roughly half of American adults under age 50 who are childfree planning to stay that way. It seems as though younger generations are realizing that the relationship escalator is a choice they can opt out of.
The downside to this choice? One of you could rightfully resent the partner who set a boundary around starting a family. It’s a difficult situation. That person has every right to choose parenting, but they don’t have a right to force that decision on someone else. Both of you should take a long look at which is more important: your personal choices and boundaries or the future of this particular relationship. You are wise to be having these discussions before going through with the wedding.
Compromise is a love language. I hope both of you can use that compassion and love to find a way to clarify what is a need versus a want in your future together. Wants are terrific, but needs are necessary for happiness in life.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com