Dear Elizabeth,
I’m divorcing my wife of six years soon, she just doesn’t know it yet. I already rented myself a small apartment and have a timeline to move out. I love her dearly, but I can’t handle it any more.
I’ve always been on the introverted side, and she’s a talker. Originally it worked well for us both – she made plans we could both enjoy, and she’d do most of the talking when we are around friends. We do almost everything together. That’s part of the problem.
What began as her being more extroverted really turned into a weird thing where she controls all the social space. The past few years, if we’re out with friends, I can’t get a word in edgewise. I lost it at dinner recently. A friend asked me a question directly about my job, and my wife answered for me. I got up and walked away and decided in that moment I was done. Later I shared with one friend how I felt, and she supported me and we had what finally felt like a normal two-sided conversation. It was great.
So I have two questions really. How do I meet new people and make new friends, assuming they’ll take her side since I’m the quiet one? The lesbian community is really small so I may need to find new social circles. And how can I reestablish my confidence socially? How do I find my voice?
Finding My Voice
Dear Finding My Voice,
Don’t make assumptions about your friends. They are free agents who can make their own choices. Your mutual friends have seen what’s happening, and they may be as frustrated with your wife as you are. Stay classy in your dealings with both your ex and your group of friends, make an effort to remain in their lives, and allow them the opportunity to stand by you.
For decades, there’s been a running joke about how lesbians are all best friends with their exes. There is decent data to support the joke as well as some very tongue-in-cheek takes on the matter. While this may be one time to make an exception, it does mean you could continue to have overlapping social circles should you choose to do so. One reason for this tendency is the shared network of social support is small but often vitally important.
Small social circles pose a challenge for alternative communities of all stripes, but here’s hope: humans have more mobility and internet-based social options than ever before. People meet friends and lovers in all sorts of ways now, through forums, games, and other online communities. You may be surprised where your next important person is located.
People are often clueless about how much they talk. Numerous studies in linguistic anthropology (including some of my own research) point to the disconnect between what people think they say and hear versus what actually happens. Much of the data is gendered. For example, studies show that when women speak 30% of the time, men think women have dominated the conversation. While your partner isn’t alone in her lack of awareness, this doesn’t excuse her behavior.
It’s hard to make friends as an adult, no matter who you are. We don’t have playgrounds or classrooms or enough downtime to really devote to socializing. That said, in absence of an oppressive partner, you may find it easier than you expect to be more conversant, particularly with people who have a shared interest. Your common interest becomes an instant ice breaker, a default topic of conversation, and a great way to reduce social anxiety.
My advice is to volunteer, take a class, or do something based around a shared activity. The socializing will be secondary to the intended purpose of the meetup, and it takes the pressure off everyone involved. Go consistently so people recognize you and feel comfortable striking up conversations. Be patient with yourself and enjoy your peaceful new living environment.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com