Dear Elizabeth,
We’re looking for some advice on managing arousal in a long-distance relationship. Like a lot of people these days, we met online and have been dating exclusively for quite a while. We try to see each other as often as we can, but obviously travel is expensive so how often we see each other can depend on airfares from month to month. Right now, it’s been longer than we’d like. In a few weeks, we’ll have our first face to face time together in three months.
We each have a regular rhythm to our masturbation habits. We aren’t on some sort of equal schedule, but we keep ourselves sane and happy as a rule. My question is this: knowing we’ll see each other after such a long time away, should we abstain from masturbation before seeing each other? Or would it be better to be practicing, so to speak, so we aren’t quite so bottled up before we have a week together?
Long Distance, Long Time
Dear LDLT,
Should you abstain from masturbation or train for the Sex Olympics? It really depends on you and your partner’s bodies and your goals for your time together. There are advantages and disadvantages to either approach, and it’s a question commonly asked in long-distance relationships.
Thanks to social media, internet communities like Discord, online gaming, and dating apps, there are seemingly endless ways to meet people online. It can be difficult to meet quality partners. Kudos to you both for being able to find one another in such a large sea of humans, and for putting in the effort to maintain the connection despite the distance. It says a lot about your patience and love for one another.
In 2023, about 14 million Americans were in long-distance relationships. Roughly 40% of these were college relationships, but plenty of other adults manage partnerships from afar because of work, deployments, family obligations, or personal preferences. 75% of engaged couples have been long-distance at some point. So you aren’t alone in seeking advice for managing your partnership across the miles. These days, half of long-distance relationships began online like yours.
You describe having regular masturbation practices when you are apart. What counts as a regular frequency for this activity can vary dramatically. For some people it may be once a year, for others it can be numerous times a day. A mismatch in this level of need doesn’t seem to be your issue, rather you’re asking how to manage the intensity of your solo sex practices leading up to your time together.
In coaching, we often use a pain/gain model in decision making. I have clients draw out a square with four quadrants. The top two are the advantages and disadvantages of Option A, and the bottom two squares are the plus and minus of Option B.
As I see it, the upside of abstinence could be an increased erotic focus on your partner and having saved your sexual energy for your time together. It can create a powder keg when you do meet in person, which can be very powerful and sexy. The downside? Putting so much emphasis on performance when you are together can create pressure or anxiety about achieving orgasm. Alternatively, the buildup can be so intense that orgasms happen all too quickly.
If you choose Option B and pleasure yourself as much as possible, you could overstimulate yourself, make yourself sore, or simply get bored with the activity and run down your sex drive like a generic brand battery. That doesn’t make for a sexy rendezvous. You could also create unrealistic expectations about performance and be disappointed if someone doesn’t feel like Epic Penis Hero your entire week together. On the other hand, you may have a delightful time pleasuring yourselves while remembering fun times together or planning your next romp. This can be excellent foreplay. Mutual masturbation on the phone or a video call (if you’re both comfortable) is also a sexy bonding experience and can help newer partners learn each others’ pleasure noises.
Ultimately, it depends on your bodies and your goals. How easily do you reach orgasm? How much time will the two of you realistically have to be intimate? Are you planning elaborate meals out and museum tours, or is the only scenery you care about the bedroom ceiling? Are you craving orgasms, or are you craving connection? I’ll throw in an argument for hedonism, because life is short, but I always advocate for couples to choose the option that will give them the most joy.
E.R.B
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com