A little more than a year ago, I asked Elizabeth R. Busbee to join the staff of CT Examiner as a sex and relationships columnist, with the idea that “America deserves a better conversation about sex.”
Kind, funny, sex-positive and whip-smart, her advice column “Unconventional Love” has been a hit for us since day one, each week taking reader questions about topics ranging from May-December romances to poly, from techniques for pleasuring a partner to stepping off a “relationship escalator.”
There must have been something in the air, given that since her launch sex columns have been popping up in many of the major papers.
“Unconventional Love” is maybe one-part Dan Savage, one-part Dear Abby – but the comparison really doesn’t do justice to her mix of frank sexuality, her practical experience from 20 years of private practice relationship and intimacy coaching, with the academic grounding of a PhD from Yale.
Have a question for Elizabeth? Need an answer? You can write to her confidentially by clicking here.
CTEx: Is there ever a quick fix for sex? I mean something simple that couples often overlook that they can do to get a relationship back on track. Or do you find in your job that the fixes are mostly hard work?
ERB: The biggest thing is to admit there’s a problem. It sounds so simple, but it requires first being honest with yourself about what you need or want and how you’re struggling, and this is remarkably difficult for many people to do.
Just taking that first step to say, “Wow this really isn’t working for me or making me happy anymore,” is huge. That simple awareness can be incredibly liberating. Sometimes couples share a desire, but neither of them had the nerve to bring it up, so once one shares it’s easy to facilitate!
CTEx: I’m guessing that the best outcomes involve not just identifying the problem, but also finding the right solution?
ERB: Honestly, I think 90% of the solution IS identifying the problem. People often come to me saying they have one issue, and then after a few weeks of discussion we realize the underlying concern was actually something totally different. The initial complaint was just a distraction from the real disruption in their lives.
CTEx: Is coaching sometimes a better fit than a therapist or counselor?
ERB: Coaching is different from therapy and counseling, but both have tremendous value if the fit is right. As a rule, coaching training tends to be more forward thinking and action-oriented, rather than focusing on past trauma. Coaching is absolutely not a substitute for therapy in many situations; I often refer people to therapy when it’s more appropriate for their needs.
CTEx: But is getting help something that only rich people can afford? Does insurance pay for this?
ERB: Insurance pays for therapy but not coaching, though these days many therapists are private pay because insurer reimbursement rates are so abysmal. Some practitioners have a certain number of sliding scale appointments available on a “pay what you can afford” type of basis. Everyone should be able to get the help they need, but our country’s current healthcare insurance system is a disaster so that isn’t happening.
CTEx: Not everyone with a relationship problem or a sexual problem even has a partner. And even if someone has a partner, I’m guessing they often would feel more comfortable seeking help alone.
ERB: Absolutely. I actually see the majority of my clients alone, for several reasons. Often, struggles with intimacy feel very isolating. One partner has a need that’s unfulfilled, or a problem they don’t feel comfortable sharing with their partner initially, so they come solo for coaching.
I also work with a lot of couples who see therapists or counselors at the same time. Why do both? Many of them come to me because they don’t feel comfortable sharing their sexual issues with the same therapist they go to for family problems. It’s a big leap from, “hey our teenager is doing badly in school,” to, “I don’t know how to tell my partner about my unusual fetish.”
It’s also frequently helpful for me to meet with people individually first. This ensures quality one-on-one attention without having one partner dominate the dialogue, and it allows me to hear multiple sides of a story on an equal basis.
You know the saying, there’s his side, her side and the truth? There are multiple truths – we all see things differently and it’s rare that one person is blatantly wrong in how they recall events.
CTEx: Back around 1970, Masters & Johnson helped popularize the idea of sexual surrogates — practitioners who actually physically engage with patients. Is this still a thing? And are there specific problems that arise that do best with this kind of cure?
ERB: Sexual surrogates are still a thing in some places, but they do run afoul of legal issues, since the lines of sex work are viewed by the authorities as a little blurry.
I’m not entirely sold on the idea, largely because bodies are so unique. What works for one person won’t necessarily work for someone else. While the idea of a hands-on (or other body parts-on) teacher intellectually makes sense, it poses different challenges. People may also have a harder time feeling comfortable with a teacher who is not their partner.
CTEx: Is infidelity ever an ethical option? Is it a place where one or the other or both in a relationship can find happiness? Is it possible to simply be a good person but not talk everything through?
ERB: Black and white thinking is never good. I realize the irony of that being a black and white statement. But the reality is morality is often grey, particularly when two good people have conflicting needs. The issue is really that our structures for relationships are often way too rigid, and people sometimes need to think outside the box to make each other happy. Whatever works for both partners is what they should do – even if society says it’s weird.
CTEx: How does your academic training — you have a PhD in anthropology — shape your
coaching practice? Do you find yourself reaching for, say, Clifford Geertz or Judith Butler,
for practical advice for helping your clients live happier, more fulfilling lives?
ERB: It’s funny, one of my dissertation committee members actually lauded me for “not genuflecting at the altar of Judith Butler” and I briefly debated putting that on a t-shirt.
My academic background definitely informs my coaching practice. I have years of research on gender, language, and sexuality. My dissertation research was on risk negotiation and power dynamics in BDSM conversation, which helps me understand conversational power dynamics in any type of couple. Prior to that my thesis was on queer coming out discourse, which helps me facilitate growth for clients in those communities as well.
CTEx: Sometimes is finding a solution more a matter of just getting to work, or would you recommend that people really shop around for the right personal fit and the right method?
ERB: I think the right fit is really important in finding a helping professional. You’re building a relationship, and compatibility matters in any relationship. I’ve worked with people who had to fire previous therapists because they were completely incapable of understanding the problem with the right amount of sensitivity.
I’ve also worked with a number of clients in the BDSM community who were told point blank by past practitioners that their fully functional, happy, consensual relationships were automatically abusive because of the S/M elements involved. It simply isn’t true. I love being able to help people who are frequently misunderstood.
CTEx: Have drugs like Viagra transformed your work for the better? Or is it just one more way to mask the actual problem?
ERB: Viagra helps with one type of problem, but that issue represents a very small portion of the concerns clients bring to the table. It also won’t mask the problem – it’s a vascular drug not a mental drug. It won’t help if someone’s arousal challenges are related to attraction or compatibility challenges. If you don’t want to have sex with your partner, Viagra won’t change that.
CTEx: I’ve read that, like in Japan, young people in their 20s in the US are having sex less and less often and finding it harder and harder to date. Do you have any sense of why this could be? Are we in the midst of some kind of quiet crisis?
ERB: Every generation has its struggles. My generation came of age during the AIDS crisis, so we were terrified to fuck anyone and risk dying. Medical advances have made that way less likely these days, to the point that we have other new STI epidemics because people aren’t using condoms as regularly as they probably should.
The generation coming of age now does have statistically less sex with fewer people than Millennials did at the same age. My theory? Failures of late-stage capitalism. Dating costs money, and young people simply don’t have any. Why date and plan a future with someone when you can’t afford a house or children?
It’s funny, the government keeps asking why birth rates are so low in the US. My peers in Europe get paid parental leave for both parents, free college for their kids, free childcare, and their kids aren’t likely to get shot in school. The difference is so striking.
CTEx: I’m guessing it’s easier to prevent a broken relationship than to fix one, but most people I assume contact you once things are pretty far gone. Do you ever see couples early in a relationshipto help prevent things from going wrong?
ERB: For sure. The saying about an ounce of prevention being better than a pound of cure is true with relationship ills as well. The longer a need goes unmet, the higher the resentment can build. Generally, kind people really hate confrontation with loved ones, which is a normal feeling to have. But confrontation is often the kindest thing you can do for yourself, because without it nothing will spontaneously change. Patterns develop because they are easy. Change is much harder and takes effort, but it’s usually very worth it.
Sometimes, yes, couples come to me at the first sign of a challenge, and this makes things much easier. There’s never a bad time to seek help, but sooner is certainly simpler, most of the time. Couples sometimes come in before making huge life steps, as a check-in, and I think that’s very wise. It lets me help them facilitate a map of what they desire together. In general, proactive conversations are better than reactive ones.
CTEx: Is sexuality destiny? I guess I’m asking whether it’s really possible to gain or lose an interest or proclivity… can couples grow together sexually, or is it most important to select a partner from the start with the same interests?
ERB: Humans are not static entities. Not if we’re doing it right. We grow, we learn, we expand our interests and shift our priorities numerous times throughout our lifespans. The healthiest long-term relationships are ones with ample flexibility to accommodate these life changes. With work and luck, people evolve together. It takes effort though to match your partner’s changing needs.
Statistically, couples have the most sex early on in their relationships when things are new, exciting, and unfamiliar. New Relationship Energy is a powerful drug.
Couples who have longer relationships benefit from expertise: they’ve simply had longer to learn each other’s bodies and what they enjoy together most. But even this upside takes work and transparent conversations about what pleases someone. One of the biggest crises is the feigned orgasm, because it simply reinforces poor technique. Someone thinks what they did was the right thing, when it may really not have been effective at all.
For couples to have consistently fulfilling intimacy over a period of many years takes conscious effort and dedication to the cause of pleasing each other. It’s absolutely possible to have fun and fulfilling sex decades into a partnership. However, when couples struggle early on, I have a hard time being optimistic about their erotic future together. So many people opt to settle and it’s very frustrating to see.
Our society places such a heavy emphasis on partnerships that people would rather be with a familiar but lousy significant other rather than risk being single for a while in their quest to improve the situation.
Over the years I have worked with countless people who share one common complaint. They love their husband or wife, they don’t want to leave them, and they don’t want to cheat because they are ethical people. But they are completely unfulfilled in some significant sexual way and feel trapped and hopeless.
Part of my job is enabling clients to start these difficult conversations. Sometimes, part of my job is helping people grant themselves permission to leave.
CTEx: Before we finish up. In one word, can you promise anything to someone reading this interview, who might want help but has (almost) given up? Something that for the cost of a visit or three, you can provide?
ERB: I’ll pick two words that most inform my practice: transparency and proactivity.
Transparency, meaning people have to first be honest with themselves before they can be forthcoming with a partner. Proactive communication, because it’s so much more effective to discuss problems early rather than wait until resentment and emotional ulcers develop.
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Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com