Dear Elizabeth,
I am 23 years old and I’m getting married to a one-of-a-kind man who is 35. It’s his second
marriage and I am new to it. I feel sure it’s the right choice, but what I want to know is what to
expect when there is a big age difference. Is there a book or advice that you give to young wives in my situation?
Alli with the Age Difference
Dear Alli,
When I was growing up, nearly all the adults around me were in marriages where the husband was a few years older than the wife. Even if it was five or more years, it was treated as a very normal thing. But when Anna Nicole Smith was 26 and married an 89-year-old man, everyone was mortified.
But what’s the magic number that is socially acceptable?
You say you have “a big age difference,” but twelve years isn’t a huge gap. You’re both relatively young adults who most likely have decades of life ahead of you and bright futures. He’s been previously married, but so are many people walking down the aisle.
You also have reason to be seeking advice — while first marriages end in divorce 50% of the time, second marriages result in divorce 67% of the time, with men being more likely to remarry than women. The odds of success may not be in your favor, so taking time to educate yourself is a smart move.
Society raises eyebrows about age gap relationships, but why? It’s a source of endless fantasy for many people, as evidenced by the mountains of romance novels involving age differences. On the other hand, I know of almost zero reliable resources by qualified experts on the subject. I wish I had better references to share with you.
Particularly in queer communities in less populous areas, age-gap relationships seem more common. Young people struggle to find connections with peers of the same orientation and can gravitate towards older mentors that are already out and experienced. In some cases, these relationships provide valuable education and support to young people. I don’t think they are inherently problematic.
When is an age gap problematic? When power is involved. There’s a famous quote, “Everything in the world is about sex. Except sex. Sex is about power.” It’s a quote that has been misattributed to both Sigmund Freud and Oliver Wilde, but its true origin is a mystery. Regardless of who said it first, I do believe it’s true.
Your letter doesn’t specify how you met, but age gap relationships can be problematic for the younger person when the older person is a direct authority figure. It’s unsafe when an older partner could damage the younger person’s future or mental health. Met a hot older hunk at the gym? Great! Dating your youth minister? Unwise. Hooking up with an older man you know through volunteering? Fantastic! Sleeping with your honors thesis advisor? Bad plan. You get the idea.
My advice for you is similar to anyone else considering marriage. Educate and advocate for yourself and take steps to protect each other in any future financial dealings. Have a plan in writing for what feels equitable should you part ways. Know that equitable is not the same thing as fair and don’t make assumptions about what your lives will be like five or ten years from now. Life loves to throw us curveballs and the healthiest long-term couples adapt accordingly.
ERB
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com