Dear Elizabeth,
My boyfriend is a social media fanatic. He’s very outgoing and always online posting or sharing things everywhere: Facebook, Instagram, Tiktok. I’m a people person too, so I don’t mind the connections he has, but he’s constantly posting about what we do so his friends can see it. It’s starting to become a source of arguments.
We have a fun date, go out to dinner, he has to post about it. He “checks in” at the restaurant on Facebook or posts a photo of us on Instagram or a video of us having a cocktail on Tiktok. Sometimes all three. It’s too much. I tell him I’d like a little more privacy, and he accuses me of being bossy or worse being ashamed of him and what we’re doing.
I’m not ashamed – I love him dearly, but it’s driving me nuts. Our friends don’t need to know every detail of our lives. How can I have a little privacy?
A Little Privacy
Dear A-L-P,
Your boyfriend isn’t wrong. He has a right to want to share his happiness with friends, and in this era of instant online gratification, social media is the way people do this. However, you’re also not wrong in wanting privacy, so he needs to respect your boundaries.
For the vast majority of human history, we survived without the internet. Shocking to think about! These days, the average person spends over six hours a day online and a half of those hours are spent on social media. We’re busier now than ever before — thanks, late-stage capitalism! — so as a species we have increasingly fewer chances to interact socially in person. Many of us have friends scattered all over the globe.
Social media is a blessing because it keeps us connected, frequently and inexpensively, to the people we cherish. It’s also a curse because it can deprive us of being truly in the moment when we are with those same people face-to-face. Social media can also present an inaccurate picture to the world, creating a level of toxic positivity that makes everything seem better than it really is.
There are numerous reasons people may want to keep their dating activities private. Someone may have an abusive ex and not want that person to know where they are. They may have a crabby boss at work who would wonder why they took such a long lunch break to a fancy restaurant while they’re behind on a project. They may have turned down offers to see other friends, to prioritize their romantic partner, and not want any hurt feelings. They may be in the witness protection program. Or heck, they may just not want to inundate everyone on their friend’s list with yet another photo of a burrito.
Boundaries are healthy, and your concerns are valid. A happy medium is often the best compromise for a situation like yours. Agree to post special occasions, such as birthdays or anniversaries, for instance. Or share when you go somewhere unusual or have a particularly cool experience your friends may care about. You both took your first class in cooking authentic Peruvian food? Pretty neat! The 18th sandwich this month? Not so exciting.
I also want to touch on your boyfriend’s concerns. People are often accused of being bossy when they stand up for themselves or set a boundary that doesn’t allow someone to control them. Watch for that sort of language in the future, or for any potentially unhealthy patterns. Furthermore, given all the reasons someone may want privacy, it’s concerning that he jumps to the conclusion you may be ashamed of him. Have you engaged in any behavior that would validate that concern for him, or give him good reason to feel that way? If not, what work is he doing to increase his self-confidence? You can help him in this area, but he has to put in the work on growth.
When you both reach a healthy compromise, he’ll be able to share your happy moments publicly in a way that allows for some private moments as well. It’s likely he’s simply happy to have you in his life and wants to share that joy with the other people he loves.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com