Dear Elizabeth,
Five years ago, I was cleaning out my parents’ house when I discovered an envelope of photographs suggesting that my father had a thing for feet. I’d never have guessed it because my mom, who was otherwise a striking woman, wore nothing but sensible flats.
But here’s where it gets interesting. I also have a thing for feet. And I was wondering if it was possible that my “condition” could be largely determined by genetics and passed on from father to son.
In Passing
Dear In Passing,
Humans are delightfully complex creatures, and our erotic imaginations can be robust and creative. What we desire is a unique part of who we are. While certain forms of sexual attraction are fairly universal and hard-wired to the science of procreation, other things we find attractive can diverge from purely procreative purposes and be quite different.
The debate of nature versus nurture is both unresolved in many ways, and frankly, quite tired. The reality is our sexual tastes aren’t so simple and are most likely always a mix of the two factors. You ask whether your “condition” could be passed on, and it’s certainly possible.
In my dissertation, about half of the research participants were aware of their sexual proclivities early in life. During interviews, they could pinpoint a single defining moment when their brains latched onto something, and it stayed with them permanently.
Other people in my research project were turned on to alternative forms of sexual exploration later in adulthood, generally by an eager partner. Anecdotally in my coaching practice, several couples have learned that their adult offspring have similar interests. Sometimes the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. There’s been other limited research to answer your question, though one study indicates that body-related fetishes may have a genetic component.
It’s important to be understanding and non-judgmental, both towards your father and yourself. Generational differences play a large role here. Previously these things simply weren’t talked about, so your mother may never have known. It’s also quite possible that his fetish for high heels emerged precisely because your mother never wore them, so it’s not something he regularly was able to experience.
Recent eras of increased social acceptance have made it easier for people with different tastes to find each other. Be gentle towards your father if he is still with you, as he likely grew up in a more conservative world and may not have had the tools to honestly discuss his proclivities with anyone, let alone his son.
And at the end of the day, it matters less where the desires come from and more how to fulfill your needs in a healthy way. We’re lucky to be alive in a time when open conversations about these interests are possible. You can be more upfront in your partnerships than your father would have been able to, when he was your age.
We like to think we are extremely different from our parents, but we really share so much with them. Your letter speaks about him in the past tense. If he is still alive, it’s a potential opportunity to open up about your experiences and foster a connection by having a very vulnerable, honest conversation. If he has passed on, you can enjoy knowing there is more common ground with your kin than you previously understood.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com