Dear Elizabeth,
This may be an odd letter, but I’m hoping you have some advice about setting healthy boundaries for myself. I’m a middle-aged woman in a loving relationship with a bit of a dom-sub element some of the time. I’m a busy professional with high standards for my career, my parenting, and my health. Part of this is because I have a chronic illness that gets way worse if I don’t do all the right things to take care of myself. My significant other understands and is supportive of course.
The problem is I overdo things. I helped with a big project we were doing this weekend and set myself back a few days with pain and fatigue, even though I wasn’t asked to push myself. But I want to be a good helper and make him happy. How do I set healthy boundaries without centering myself or making a big fuss, especially when other people are around? I am pretty private about my body limitations and never want to come off as whiny or high maintenance.
Don’t Push It
Dear Don’t Push It,
Most relationship challenges involve patterns. People repeat behaviors that are problematic, or they fail to communicate in ways that could mitigate potential issues. You’re recognizing a pattern, which is a good thing, and you have a supportive partner who is likely quite happy to help resolve the issue together with you.
Rather than waiting until you do something that aggravates your body, my suggestion is you both practice pro-active communication. Have these dialogues before something becomes a problem. Like many people living with chronic illness, you’ve probably had many years to learn your body and understand its quirks and limits. Don’t feel badly – we all have limits, and the disability community is the one minority any of us could join at any time in our lives. Our bodies aren’t always our friends, nor are they predictable.
Recognize ahead of time what situations may pose a challenge for you. Raise the issue with your partner and emphasize how much you want to be helpful to him. That’s true in any healthy relationship, whether it involves dominance and submission or not. We all want to care for the people we love. The integrity of your surrender shouldn’t be dependent on how much you can push your body. Healthy relationships rely on healthy boundaries.
A good partner will want what’s best for you always, even if that means going against your dominant/submissive dynamic and putting yourself first sometimes. It’s best for the relationship, and it doesn’t mean you’re neglecting them. A key part of your job is to first take care of yourself, so that you can better take care of someone else. As one kink educator puts it, “protect the property.”
It’s perfectly reasonable to want privacy where your medical issues are concerned. However, I want to give you a bit of pushback on the idea that clearly stating your reasonable needs is whiny. It’s internalized ableism to expect unrealistic things that your body simply can’t do or to punish yourself for your valid limitations. It’s not whining if it’s a fact of your life.
You can set limits without broadcasting them to everyone. Perhaps choose some code words with your partner or have a signal you can share when something isn’t feasible for you to do. You can politely say no in front of others without drawing big attention to the situation, particularly if your significant other is attentive to the possibility of body challenges arising for you. Anticipate what could come up for you, and game out potential hazards. How can you both be prepared to prevent that challenge? Another tip is to accept help. It can be hard for anyone to take help from others, particularly when you are independent and capable. Become comfortable receiving help, even from someone you see as powerful, and recognize it’s an expression of love when they offer it.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com