In the fifth installment of a monthly series examining sexuality, Elizabeth Busbee interviews two people, a woman and a man, who embrace voluntary chastity in their relationships with their partners.
Chastity Kitten: Chastity became interesting to me when I took part in a kinky play scene in July 2024 and got to wear a plastic belt with sexy accessories! It wasn’t too uncomfortable, and I liked that I was being protected and guarded. It took a lot of focus to walk around, and it was mind-blowing that I could not feel anything from the outside. I love dichotomies and I think there are a few interesting ideas around chastity that make it fun to explore. Toys and people can be locked inside or outside the belt.
Chastity is generally seen as a submissive practice, but I think there is great power in denying other people intimate access or reserving yourself for something special. Chastity requires a lot of focus, willpower, and mental strength. I find myself more productive, less obsessed with dating, and happier because I’m always looking forward to something. The anticipation is always building.
I started wearing my current chastity belt on a daily basis on October 11, 2024. I was just supposed to try it on, but when I put it on, I felt like Cinderella with her glass slipper. It was a perfect fit. I was also going on a date and was looking forward to teasing my partner. Sometimes sex can be just about gratification, but I think sex should be fun and hot and special. Taking the time to build up to an amazing orgasm, being confident in what I want, knowing how to ask for it, and exploring kink/BDSM/fetishes is helping me become the happiest version of myself. It’s the journey, not the destination.
Chastity Sub: Originally, I started as a client of my current keyholder, back before we entered this wonderful dominant/submissive relationship. I was living on Long Island, and she was in Connecticut. We were both looking for ways to keep in touch across the distance, and that’s where chastity came into the equation. The rest was history!
Chastity became part of our relationship dynamic, kind of like an unwritten contract. And who am I to argue? In fact, arguments or complaints just extend my time locked up. I learned that the hard way. This has been something we’ve played with for over 6 years. And you’re right, it’s not seen in the media or talked about a lot. I’m hoping this interview opens minds to it.
ERB: Someone holds the key to your device, what’s that relationship dynamic like?
CK: After some weird experiences, I began seeking advice from close friends in the kinky fetish world. I expressed my difficulty finding local friends and fitting in. I felt like I was only desirable for sex. I have two friends, whom I now call Sir and Ma’am. They hold the key to my chastity device. They both really stepped up and asked me more about what I wanted from life and what my experiences were. They challenged me to think about the future.
I am looking for exceptional and incredible and special things in ways that I can’t quite describe yet—so I set goals to separate myself from casual sex, dating, and the instant gratification that comes from those. I like to say that I am looking for 2% of 2% of people. I’ve found this in my keyholders, and they support me endlessly in my goal to preserve my body, orgasms, and mind for the extra special people who deserve a little slice of my heaven. Sir and Ma’am do more than hold their key—they are my protectors, mentors, and of course, owners. We check in daily and have fun together! I follow their instructions, serve and submit to them in and out of the dungeon, and they support me in life’s ebbs and flows.
CS: It’s a beautiful dynamic to give up your will to another person. I find the emotional intimacy shared between us is far greater than any other form I’ve ever felt. My owner locks me and unlocks me at her will. I never know when the lock up will come or how long it will last. Even when I’m unlocked in the dungeon, it doesn’t mean I’ll be staying unlocked. I learned so much about life after coming into this new world, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
The headspace is really interesting. I find that the first two weeks are the hardest. Sleeping is tougher and my anxiety is a little higher. Then I become very Zen about being locked. What I like most about chastity is it allows me to hyper focus on serving my owner. It sets my mind to questions such as, “What can I do to better my owner’s week and life? What needs to get done for her?”
ERB: Are orgasms totally off the table, or just trickier?
CK: Orgasms are arranged with Sir and Ma’am but not exclusively given by them. Sometimes they allow other people to participate, especially (and ONLY) if I have expressed interest in someone. I never give myself orgasms; that would take the fun out of it. I also want to be a good girl and stick with my goal of reserving my orgasms for Sir and Ma’am! “Quality, not quantity” is the mindset of the year.
CS: The question about orgasms is one that my keyholder answers for me. If the chastity device fits perfectly, then yes, for the most part orgasms are off the table until I’m unlocked. If you attempt one while locked up, the rubbing of the metal against the skin is going to be painful… that doesn’t sound like an orgasm to me!
ERB: The question probably everyone is wondering but is too shy to ask: how do you go to the bathroom? It’s definitely not an area of the body you want to be rusting!
CK: The belt I wear is stainless steel and wrapped in silicone, so it doesn’t rust! I like to say that the cover looks like a cheese grater so I can “go” through it. A handheld shower wand makes cleaning easy.
CS: For guys, the easiest thing is to sit down while you’re peeing. In the beginning, this was the biggest adjustment for me, other than not being allowed to orgasm when I want to. There were definitely times when accidents happened in my stubbornness to sit down while peeing. Let’s just say after these accidents, my shoes needed to take a ride through the wash.
Quality chastity devices won’t rust. The devices you want are ones made of medical grade metal. This will prevent rusting. Additionally, I recommend a device with adequate air flow. I don’t find it hard at all to keep that region of my body clean while wearing the device. It just takes a little more focus in the shower.
ERB: Is the chastity device comfortable to wear? How was it fitted, and is there a company or manufacturer you recommend for people who are looking to try this?
CK: The belt is so comfortable! I have run a 5K in it, I can squat and deadlift 200 pounds in it, I’ve been on a motorcycle in it, I flew on a plane with it, and I really don’t think there is anything I cannot do in it—except orgasm. The belt I wear is the FS3 Slim Fit model from FancySteel out of Australia. I measured myself with a loose measuring tape and took pictures of my measurements. FancySteel has a helpful guide on their website that shows how to measure yourself.
CS: My chastity device is very comfortable to wear. It’s just part of me and I barely know it’s there. In fact, it’s such a part of me that most mornings, I’ll wake up and be in the mood for a little morning fun. I’ll reach down to touch myself, and BOOM! There it is. The reminder that I’m owned.
My device is a custom-fit cage from Mature Metal. You give them a few measurements for diameter of the cage, length of the cage, and ring size that goes around the scrotum, and they build a custom device. What’s nice about Mature Metal is if you (or more importantly, your keyholder) want it resized, you mail it back to them and they will adjust the device. They can do this for all adjustments except for the cage diameter.
I would recommend any person or couple considering going down this road of enforced chastity to start with one of the CB brand plastic devices. They make a good intro device. It comes with different size rings, so it’s basically plug and play.
ERB: How do you think chastity works differently for men and women?
CK: In general, I think chastity in men is seen as a submissive trait or practice. Usually, a dominant woman holds the key to deny him pleasure and even an erection. Interestingly, I still feel like the dominant one, even though I’m wearing the cage. Being locked in chastity, I feel incredibly powerful, untouchable, and in charge of my body for the first time. I’m not afraid to walk alone at night. Guys can’t pressure me to do something I don’t want to do.
I have been guilty of getting caught up in the moment and then wishing I had waited to do something sexual with someone. Chastity helps me stick with that. I feel much more valued for my personality than just sex. Even though I have owners, I know that they appreciate the gift of my orgasms and submission. It is fun to explore my love of submission and my wish to save my body for top-tier experiences.
CS: I have so many questions myself. I would imagine going to the bathroom would be a little harder for women. I do think that in the world of BDSM, you hear more about men being locked up than women.
ERB: Chastity Kitten, you produce adult content related to chastity. Could you tell me about that? Why do you think people are drawn to chastity-related content?
CK: Chastity-related adult content is fun to navigate and work around. Lots of men are into it for the perceived submission and that’s a road I often take. More recently, men have been interested in “joining the club” because they want to be controlled and don’t think they have the willpower to do it themself. I also think there is a huge appeal to knowing that I wear it 24/7 and it’s always underneath my clothes—at the gym, the grocery store, concerts, sports events, the belt goes where I go. Anyone could be wearing one, even the person next to you! You wouldn’t even know! That makes people really curious about it.
ERB: Where can people find your content on the web?
CK: You can follow me on X, on OnlyFans and on LinkTree
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Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com