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Dear Elizabeth,
I’m a heterosexual guy in a two-year long relationship. I have great sex with my girlfriend when we drink. Or I should say, I had great sex with my girlfriend when we drank. I’m sober now for medical reasons, but the sex isn’t the same. We weren’t teetotalers, only drinking a few times a month socially, but it definitely made a difference in our sex life the first several months we were together. What can we do to bring that back without creating health issues?
Tapped Out
Dear Tapped,
You may not realize it, but you’re actually asking me two different questions. On the surface, you’re asking what can replace the liberating feeling of liquid libations in the bedroom. But there’s also a second unspoken question here, which is tied to the duration of your relationship. I’ll share my thoughts on both issues.
Despite being inherent to the species, sex gives humans a lot of anxiety. As young people, we worry about having it for the first time. As adults, we worry about not having it, or having it too much. We worry about being good at it. We worry we are thinking about it too much, or too little, or in ways that are too weird. Our species is remarkably good at analysis, which means we are equally good at over-analysis. People turn to recreational substances during sexual encounters largely for one of two reasons: to stop overthinking things, or to enhance sensations.
Humans have used drugs to relax and enjoy sex for thousands of years. There’s plenty of documentation about the substances used by ancient Greeks. Early Egyptians wrote about their sexual enhancers as well. It’s likely even Neanderthals played with herbs for sex too, but we don’t know any specifics, because they didn’t leave written records. It’s also not a terribly pleasant mental image, so this may be for the best.
There’s a distinction between innocent fun and harmful behaviors. In an emotionally healthy relationship with someone you trust, where that line is drawn can be murky. I often ask couples to be honest with themselves about one very big question: how are substances impacting their lives? If recreational substances influence your job, family, health, or relationships, that’s clearly a problem. In this case, if you were having fun with alcohol but you’re struggling without it, that’s a challenge worth addressing with a professional. I’m not a substance abuse counselor, but if you truly can’t enjoy sexual intimacy without alcohol, that would be a good place to start.
If you’re able to enjoy sex but you’re missing the exhilaration of your earliest months together, there may be another component to your problem. Your letter mentions you’ve been with your partner for two years, so it may simply be that the newness has worn off, and you’ll need to make some collective effort to rekindle that initial level of intimacy.
There’s a term for this: NRE, which stands for New Relationship Energy. It’s commonly used among people who practice polyamory, or consensual relationships with more than one person. In fact, it’s so linked to polyamory that I struggled to find uses of the term online within literature on monogamy. However, all relationships start somewhere, and the experience of NRE certainly isn’t unique to people who identify as polyamorous. Most people simply call it the honeymoon phase.
Brain chemistry is fascinating and largely responsible for NRE. In the early months of a new partnership, dopamine levels surge in ways that mirror drug use. Orgasms produce oxytocin, the bonding hormone. Serotonin fluctuates, fight or flight hormones go haywire, and the part of your brain responsible for good judgment takes a vacation. It’s possible that the heady days of NRE were responsible for your exhilarating sex, rather than the alcohol.
As a relationship matures, it moves into an adjustment phase followed by phases of growth and commitment. Some experts say there are five phases, others say four, but the consensus about the difference between early and later relationships is consistent. Research mirrors your personal experience.
What to do? I wouldn’t suggest signing up for a mug club at the local tavern to have a fun night with your partner or playing safety roulette with illicit substances. There are safer (and legal) ways to spice things up. You could try sex at different times of day, in new places, with different apparel, different toys, you get the idea. The important thing is making exploration a priority together, including having frank conversations about your concerns, desires, and fantasies. Our biggest sex organ is the one between our ears, and it’s frequently what holds us back from pleasure the most.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com