Dear Elizabeth,
Talk to me about ball busting.
I don’t mean metaphorically, like “she’s a real ball buster,” I mean literally.
My live-in boyfriend asked me a while back if it was something I’d be game to try, and at first I thought he was joking. We’d had a small fight about something and he suggested it as a way to make up. I said yes, jokingly, before I realized he was serious.
Okay, why not? I’m glad he could tell me something so personal. But when I’ve tried it, he gets whiny about it, complains that it hurts, and tells me I’m doing it wrong.
But online all I found were crazy videos of guys just getting pummeled. If they can handle that, surely my man can handle a half-dozen soft kicks to the nuts?
I don’t actually want to damage him. He’s generally pretty great. I’m not a linebacker, just a medium-sized woman who works too much and could probably be in better shape.
Just for Kicks
Dear JFK,
I’d be willing to bet that every woman has had this fantasy. There’s been some shitty boss or toxic ex that we have all thought about tormenting as payback. I think that’s fairly normal. It’s a common fantasy for men, too. Today’s new vocabulary word? Tamakeri. Who knew?
The next obvious question is, why? Why would an otherwise healthy and well-adjusted adult male want to experience something so potentially painful, dangerous, or damaging? There’s a simple answer. We eroticize our fears. Why is Catwoman so sexy? Or Wonder Woman with her Lasso of Truth? Because they were powerful women who could do scary things to you.
Nearly every man I have spoken to about their fantasies can trace those mental images to some early childhood experience, where a pretty woman did something that turned him on for the first time. Many a young boy had a cute girl on the playground be aggressive with him and he liked it. The problem is, men are so conditioned to be aggressors that they can’t admit when they enjoy vulnerability.
Pain is contextual. There are a great many people in this world who enjoy erotic spanking, for instance, but not a lot of folks get turned on during a root canal. The bedroom and the dentist’s office are not the same thing. Even if you have a cute dentist, they won’t know how to put you at ease like your partner does.
There’s a great book on understanding pain, Hurts so Good by Leigh Cowart. She explores forms of consensual pain, from masochism to distance running to eating hot peppers. Her theories apply to ball busting too.
Regarding the videos you found online, recognize that porn is a performance. It’s a caricature of what we do in real life. Just like good sex doesn’t exactly mimic your favorite porn, real life doesn’t have to replicate what you see in spicy videos. In real life, you should go slow and ease into any intense kind of erotic activity.
I’d avoid pointy shoes, and make sure you are both in the right frame of mind for it to be arousing rather than startling.
If you do that and he still complains, that may be part of the kink for him. He may want you to tell him to suck it up, to push him a little. That could be an element of his erotic desire, knowing it’s something you want him to take. Damage obviously is always to be avoided, but danger is part of the allure.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com