Dear Elizabeth,
I keep breaking people’s hearts without meaning to. I’m a good person. Honest and faithful. But I always lose interest after a few years and I don’t know why. I date wonderful people, I put in 100%, but in the end the same thing always happens. I end up losing sexual interest and I feel horrible about it. I still love them, I just don’t want to sleep with them any more. It’s always platonic in the end. How do I stop this cycle? I don’t cheat or have affairs, and I always try my best to be as forthcoming as possible when it starts happening. My heart is in knots because I’m about to lose another incredible long-term relationship the same way.
In Knots
Dear In Knots,
People are allowed to change. People are allowed to change their minds. People are also allowed to change their minds about their loved ones. The important thing is being honest and transparent with yourself and your partners about what’s going on. Your partner has a right to be hurt if you don’t want intimacy with them any longer, but they can’t resent you if you are being honest or having feelings you can’t control.
Why is this happening? There are a few possibilities. It could simply be the natural progression of normal relationships. Typically, long-term relationships follow a pattern. In the beginning there is “NRE” or New Relationship Energy that fuels passion. Eventually NRE wanes and partners shift to a period of decreased intimacy and companionate feelings. For many people, this happens after about 2 years, so you could simply be having an exaggerated response to this difference in intimacy and mood.
Alternatively, the people you have been dating could simply not be right for you any longer. You could have changed, they could have changed, or you simply weren’t meant to ride off into the sunset. That’s okay. Short term relationships are valid and beneficial, if everyone has a good time and learns things and is good to one another. We have this weird fetishization with “ALL RELATIONSHIPS MUST BE FOREVER OMG” in our culture, and it’s counterproductive. People stay in all sorts of abusive situations rather than simply end things.
Not every relationship is meant to last forever. You aren’t a failed person if your intimate partnerships end. Our default of the relationship escalator hurts everyone, because we consider anything other than growing old and dying together to be a failure. It’s not.
A third possibility is at play here. There is a sexual orientation called fraysexuality, which describes someone who only experiences sexual attraction to people they don’t know well. It goes beyond the “perpetual bachelor” stereotype. It’s a genuine hard wiring in which familiarity breeds lack of intimacy. You don’t say in your letter what gender or sexual orientation you are, but fraysexuality is independent of gender or attraction.
Long term options for fraysexuals can be frustrating, but they often find happiness in a companionate nesting partnership that gives them the freedom to date as they choose. Therapy could help you find clarity on which situation aligns with you best. No matter what resonates with you, continue to be honest and kind with your partners and yourself.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com