Dear Elizabeth,
I am a year and a half into an on-again-off-again relationship with a crazy fun girl I knew back in high school and found again on Facebook.
I kinda love her, but it’s complicated. She has a 16-year-old son. Her finances are a mess. But she’s caring. She’s also a creative person, bouncing on and off her meds, which do dull her when she’s on them. It’s when she’s off them it feels like she’s with me.
I’m not asking for medical advice. But what does it mean that a woman has to be off her meds to call? We binge sex for a long weekend and then she’s gone for a while. Then she calls me. We binge sex again. I don’t think a deeper relationship is going to work, but have you ever had a client grappling with a loving, intense, episodic relationship with someone struggling with mental health? Am I selfish if I like her unmedicated self better (and she does too)?
On again off again
Dear OAOA,
Mental health treatment is finally becoming destigmatized, which means more people are getting it. In 2020, roughly one in 5 adults was receiving some sort of therapeutic treatment, and 1 in 6 adults took psychiatric medication. Therapy is helpful for nearly everyone. We all have things to improve.
Women are twice as likely to be on psychiatric medication. That doesn’t mean women are crazy. It means more women are wise enough to get help when they need it instead of bottling it up until it explodes in violent behaviors. If you are a person who dates women, ruling out anyone on psychiatric medications would significantly decrease your dating pool. Also, why avoid someone who is doing the right thing? Someone on medication has taken the steps to acknowledge and treat their issues.
There are several questions here. You say a deeper relationship isn’t possible, so perhaps you are asking my thoughts about intense but part-time arrangements. Regular readers will know I’m not a fan of forcing everyone onto the relationship escalator. Partnerships come in numerous styles, and it’s fine to choose your own path. If intense but casual works for you both, why not enjoy it? She has a teenager and is busy, so it’s possible she’s only calling when she’s off her meds. It’s also possible she’s only calling when she has time. Your letter makes some assumptions.
The other issue: you say you both like her unmedicated self better. I don’t have enough information from your letter and I’m not a physician, so I’ll share some general thoughts. Medication has a function, but it’s not without downsides. If her doctor thinks it’s necessary, it’s unlikely he said, “Gee you’re too much fun, we need you to tone it down so that’s the only reason I’m writing you this prescription.” More likely her dysregulation was resulting in real life consequences that needed help (you say her finances are a mess, for example).
Is it okay to skip your meds sometimes so you can have a little fun? I think that’s a risky question, because the answer is “it depends.” You wouldn’t suggest a diabetic skip their insulin just for funsies, or a cancer patient to take a break from chemo because gosh the side effects are a drag. “It depends” on how the medication was prescribed and what the condition is. Plenty of adults with ADHD, for instance, have meds they take as needed. Busy day of office meetings or a huge project due? Take the meds. Relaxing with the kids at the fair? Probably fine to skip it.
If her life is functioning fine and this is an as-needed medication, go nuts. Have all the crazy sex you want and enjoy yourselves. But if her life spirals each time she’s off the meds, are the orgasms really worth it?
E.R.B
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com