Dear Elizabeth,
We are hoping you can settle a disagreement for us. We’ve been in a committed relationship for quite a while now, with no major issues. We have stuff in common, and we don’t argue about a lot of things. One thing we keep arguing about is phone privacy, specifically the “share my location” feature. One of us wants it on, one of us wants it off. I won’t say who so there’s no gender bias in your answer. Which of us is right?
Share and Share alike
Dear Share Alike,
Smart phone technology is a mixed blessing. On one hand, it keeps us safer, lets us see faces of our loved ones across thousands of miles, and gives us an entire library’s worth of information at our fingertips 24/7. On the other hand, it exposes us to an endless firehose of information, much of which is unnecessary, some of which can be downright dangerous.
Couples all choose to handle phone privacy in different ways. Ultimately, the correct answer is whatever you both agree on. I’m sorry there’s isn’t a hard and fast rule to help defuse your tension. Interestingly, studies on whether couples track each other vary so greatly that I can’t offer any reliable statistics. One says 95% of couples use some sort of location sharing technology while another says 83% do not.
In the big scheme of things, our ability to track down our loved ones at any time is a new piece of technology. The first cellular phone call was made in 1973, but mobile phones weren’t in everyday use in most areas of the country until the late 1990s. We now expect unfettered access to each other around the clock, and I’m not sure that’s a good thing.
Apple came out with the “Find My Friends” feature in 2011, a year after the “Find My Phone” functionality was introduced. The problem? People aren’t cell phones that get dropped out of pockets and lost. People aren’t objects, period, and adults have a right to privacy.
“But emergencies!” Sure, emergencies happen. But for every one-in-a-million valid emergency situation when you need to find your unconscious partner by locating their cell phone, there will be 872,000 times you will check their location unnecessarily. Too much information leads to overthinking. My personal opinion? It’s creepy.
Why do you feel entitled to know your partner’s every move? Why is it relevant or necessary? What is so threatening about them going out to Taco Tuesday? These are questions I encourage couples to ask each other when faced with these types of decisions. In a healthy relationship, you can simply ask each other for information without having to AirTag your partner’s underpants.
If there is a prior history of cheating and you haven’t been able to forgive that person, or you have a similarly valid reason to not trust your partner, then I have news for you. Without trust or forgiveness, you aren’t in a healthy relationship and need to move on anyway. Taco Tuesday won’t make a difference.
E.R.B
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com