Dear Elizabeth,
I need help processing some anger. I’ve been dating this guy for several months and everything was great, right up until he gave me herpes. He denies it, swears to me he only gets cold sores and doesn’t have genital herpes, but he’s the only person I’ve slept with in the last six months, so it had to come from him. I can’t believe he’d lie to me. How do I move on? How can I date like this? How do I tell people I have this problem?
Gifted
Dear Gifted,
You are allowed to be angry, but your boyfriend probably wasn’t lying to you. There is so much misinformation about herpes, and very few civilians outside of the medical field or the adult industry understand how it works. I’ll do my best to clear things up for you.
There are two strains of herpes simplex virus that cause genital herpes, HSV-1 and HSV-2. HSV-2 has historically been responsible for most genital infections, affecting 12% of the young adult population. HSV-1 on the other hand is more often responsible for oral cold sores in people of all ages, and it is .incredibly common. How common? 50-80% of American adults likely test positive for HSV-1
Why do I say he probably wasn’t lying to you? People can contract HSV-1 or HSV-2 in either location of the body, though each strain has a site of preference where it tends to be more active. What does this mean? HSV-2 is happiest when it’s irritating people’s genitals. If someone contracts HSV-2 through oral sex and develops an oral infection of HSV-2, it is unlikely to cause frequent cold sores, and that person will likely stay asymptomatic and could be unaware of their infection.
On the other hand, HSV-1 is less picky. Because people are having a lot more oral sex these days (hooray for that), HSV-1 is increasingly responsible for genital herpes outbreaks. All it takes is someone going down on you while they have a cold sore, or a few days before or after that cold sore, and you could get genital herpes. That is most likely what happened to you.
Some good news: because genitals are not the site of preference for HSV-1, people with HSV-1 genital infections have very few outbreaks. They average less than one per year, and frequency wanes over time. You aren’t doomed to live your life isolated in a tower like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
You’re in good company, too. 2/3 of the world’s population under 50 has HSV-1. Most people are asymptomatic and unaware they carry the virus. It’s so common, you must specifically request HSV screening when you ask your doctor to test you for sexually transmitted infections. Otherwise, most physicians simply skip it.
You can direct your anger at our society’s subpar healthcare system or lousy sex education system, but your partner was unlikely acting out of malice. It’s your choice to forgive, return, or move on. If you do move on, it’s reasonable to disclose your sexual health information with a new partner, but you may wish to share these statistics with them, too. I always recommend new partners complete STI screening before becoming fluid bound with one another, since this helps you make safe and informed choices about your future together.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com