Dear Elizabeth,
I’m a straight man engaged to a bi woman who absolutely rocks my world. She’s amazing and we have a great time together in and out of the bedroom. Prior to our relationship, she mostly dated women, so I’m writing about some insecurity I have regarding her past. She’s still friends with several of her ex girlfriends, including one that she still wants to travel with. They go rock climbing together and there aren’t really good local options for it, so I get it. But I’m worried she’ll crumble and not be able to maintain a monogamous relationship with me over the long term.
Sign me,
Bedrock
Dear Bedrock,
Of course she’s friends with her exes. It’s one of the many great lesbian stereotypes (a very tongue-in-cheek explanation here). I would argue it’s something straight people could benefit from learning. After all, if you liked someone enough to date them, why not be friends with them after the relationship ends?
It’s good that you recognize her orientation and respect her attraction to women. Bisexuality in women is often treated as a phase. In college, a time of exploration for everyone, many women try out same-sex relationships. For some women, this emerges as a lifelong orientation, but for others it’s limited to a few short years of college adventures. Because of this, the slang BUG and LUG arose: Bisexual Until Graduation and Lesbian Until Graduation. The assumption? They’ll grow out of it and straighten up after school.
The opposite is true for bisexual men, who are often regarded as closet cases pretending to be straight. In both situations, society assumes bi men and women are really only into dudes, and dick is the default. Bisexuals struggle for recognition. This form of bi erasure can become a Bechdel test for relationships.
Does sexual orientation change over time? It certainly can, but it’s more likely your fiancée is still quite bisexual and still very much in love with you. She chose you for a reason. And just as straight people in monogamous relationships make a conscious choice to only bed one person, bisexuals in monogamous relationships are fully capable of committing to one partner too.
Who has success with monogamy? It should reassure you to learn queer women are pretty decent at it. While gay men are more likely to be in open relationships, most lesbian relationships are monogamous. A whopping 84% of lesbians cite monogamy or “mostly monogamy” as their preferred relationship style.
Your recognition and validation of her identity is admirable and no doubt part of why she chose you. Identity and practice overlap, but they aren’t the same thing. One is who we are, the other is what (or who) we do. If you are concerned about keeping the spark over the long haul, commit to pleasing her in bed in fun and creative ways. Find out what she enjoyed with her female partners and be open to tips and suggestions. There’s no room for an ego between the sheets.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com