Dear Elizabeth,
I’m a happy woman in a loving long-term relationship with a great guy. We moved in together last year and easily found a rhythm in our new shared space. We rarely argue, we have good sexual chemistry, and my family and friends get along with him well. So I may be making a problem out of nothing, but I just keep wondering about this and I’m hoping you have some thoughts.
In our home life, I do more of the housework. He works a bit longer hours than I do, so I have more time. But it’s more than that. I actually enjoy it? I like being domestic and buying groceries and cooking and cleaning? I always liked playing house as a kid and now I get to do it for real, more so than when I just lived with roommates. I’ve always been so conditioned to be independent and strong and so I worry it’s a little gross to be so traditional.
Domestic Bliss
Dear Domestic Bliss,
Bliss is yours for the taking in whatever form makes you happy. Truly. Scrubbing is peaceful and productive and makes you feel like you accomplished something tangible. Cooking is a love language you can share with friends and family. Running a home takes attention to detail, multiple skillsets, and endless compassion. Being a homemaker is a critical job.
Feminism was intended to give women more choices, not to remove the original option from the table entirely. In past generations, being a homemaker was a woman’s default position. That made a lot of women happy, but certainly not all of them. Opening options for women allowed for diverse paths: some women chose to stay at home, some chose college, some chose trades. All these options are equally valid.
In less than a lifetime, the situation for US women has changed dramatically. When I was a kid, most of the moms I knew were full-time homemakers. Now 47% of US workers are women, and 70% of mothers with children under the age of 18 are in the workforce. Working moms are the primary breadwinners in 40% of US households, compared to only 11% back in 1960.
Women work for multiple reasons. Some work by choice and others by the forces of capitalism. Life is expensive, even more now than for past generations. Housing costs have skyrocketed. Adjusted for inflation in 2024 dollars, the median home that would have been $228k in 1975 is now $420k. Rent has increased by 50% since the 1970s as well. Running a household is simply too expensive these days to accomplish on a single income for most people. This isn’t a moral failing on the part of working class people; it’s a systemic failure keeping many Americans from living their dreams.
If you can afford to be at home being domestic and it makes you happy, that’s a fantastic choice for you. Don’t let social pressures dictate what brings you joy. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your life choices, as long as your partnership is healthy and it works for you both. You can also remain an independent person with your own friends and hobbies while still enjoying grocery runs. Folding laundry doesn’t take away your ability to think freely or choose your own path.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com