Dear Elizabeth,
How much is too much? I’m a healthy guy who lives a very active, healthy lifestyle. I divorced several years ago and have been enjoying single life. It’s hassle free and I have plenty of time for friends. I have a job I love, and since COVID started I’ve been working from home. This is both a blessing and a curse, because it’s given me a lot more privacy and freedom. I’ve gone from being an am/pm masturbator to doing it when I wake up, at lunch break, right after I clock out, and at bedtime. Sometimes in the evening too if I’m not busy. Does this mean I’m a sex addict?
Too Much Time on My Hands
Dear Too Much Time,
If you ask a medical doctor and they are current on their information, they will tell you that sex addiction is not in the latest DSM. While practitioners used to diagnose people with sex addiction, we don’t use that term any longer. Instead, sexual compulsions can be a symptom of other mental health disorders if one’s sexual behaviors are truly pathological in nature.
Most people masturbate. How often adults self-pleasure varies dramatically, but the average American does it 12 times a month. I’d also like to point out that the average American is really freaking busy, and masturbation takes time that many people simply don’t have. So while you may be jerking off more than the average person, it says as much about your time management choices as it says about your sex drive.
What’s normal for you is okay. Desire exists on a huge spectrum of frequency. The drawback of previously diagnosing people with sex addiction was it punished and pathologized a lot of otherwise healthy people who simply had naturally high libidos. That’s not something deserving of treatment.
When is it an issue? I joke with my coaching clients that sex is only a problem when it’s a problem. Let me clarify by asking you several questions. Is masturbation currently causing friction on your genitalia or in your personal life? Is it impacting your work productivity or your relationships with friends or family?
If all those areas of life are buzzing along happily, you may not have a problem.
Your activity does have a few downsides to consider. If you’re always rushing and finish within seconds, you’re training your body to orgasm as quickly as possible, which will impact your performance with future partners. On the other hand (pardon the pun), if you’re really dragging it out, six times a day for thirty minutes each day is three hours! That’s a whole Peter Jackson Lord of the Rings movie minus the popcorn. Missing that much time out of your life is huge. In 20 hours a week you could be bringing in another half a paycheck or volunteering in a truly meaningful way to help people. Think about how you could use your energy to create good in the world, rather than just in your pants.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com