Dear Elizabeth,
We’ve been married for a while (we like to joke too long!) and are looking to try a few new things. We are curious about anal, but worried about hygiene and discomfort. What are some pointers for folks who are beginners when it comes to this stuff? We don’t want to end up overdoing it or causing ourselves problems. Life’s complicated enough already! Thanks,
Unlocking the Back Door
Dear Back Door,
Life is complicated, but sex doesn’t need to be, unless that turns you on. There are ways to ease yourselves into anal play without risking injury or making things uncomfortable. Being creative is a plus, but patience is the main thing to consider. You’ll be in good company: 40% of Americans have tried anal sex.
Starting slow is the most important thing. Not everyone enjoys penetration, so there shouldn’t be any pressure on either of you to escalate to insertion right away. The surface skin is full of nerve endings that react to touch, massage, or vibration.
I recommend couples new to anal play start with freshly washed bodies and a willingness to explore new sensations. Do you like gentle touch, or does it tickle too much? Firmer external pressure may be more enjoyable if that’s the case. You can use vibrators externally. Tongues also create a whole host of sensations.
If you’re comfortable trying penetration, there are a few safety pointers to bear in mind. Hygiene is a concern you mention in your letter. You can get disposable enemas from any drug store. Take your time and be thorough, but don’t overdo it. Rectal tissues are quite sensitive and there’s a risk in too much cleansing. Douches also work for this purpose, but don’t use the same nozzle in your backside that would then go into a vagina. Vaginas aren’t sterile, but they are quite picky!
Choose toys wisely. A risk of anal play is having a toy lost inside your body. Your rectum leads into a very long colon that does not need to harbor visitors for prolonged periods of time. Brief but meaningful is a good guideline. Use a toy with a flared base that is large enough to not slip inside. Everyone in the medical field has stories about extracting items from people’s butts in the ER. They don’t need any more of those stories.
Size matters. In this case, bigger is not better, particularly when you are first starting out. Fingers are a great way to begin, because they are narrower than many sex toys and you have tactile feedback for how your partner is responding. Feel free to wear latex or nitrile gloves if that makes you more comfortable. Just be sure the gloves fit snugly, because wrinkles can cause friction. Long nails also pose a challenge.
If you’re totally new to this type of activity, you can spend several weeks gently and slowly exploring with your fingers. You can do this solo or with your spouse. Everyone’s body is different: some people can accommodate large toys fairly quickly, while others will never enjoy anything larger than a finger. Neither is right or wrong, it’s just what your body likes.
Lube is your ally in this quest. I recommend something silicone-based for anal, because it adds viscosity and has more staying power than water-based lubricants. Skip any lube that is scented or flavored. As you mention, life is complicated enough without risking an allergic reaction in delicate areas of your body.
You don’t say in your letter what gender you are, but if a penis is involved, it’s smart to urinate after anal sex. This can help prevent urinary tract infections.
The prostate in men can be easily stimulated through anal play, producing a sensation analogous to a woman’s g-spot. Some women also find they can achieve g-spot stimulation anally. If you take your time, you can be rewarded with a back door to all kinds of exciting new sensations.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com