Dear Elizabeth,
I’m writing in response to your rabbit review, which was very funny. I have the opposite problem. Rather than having toys that are no good, I’ve had a favorite vibrator for many years now that has been my go-to. It’s my favorite way to get off alone or with my husband. Hubby understands and is wonderful. My issue is my favorite toy died recently and is unfixable! You can’t really take a vibrator to a small appliance repair shop, though the thought did cross my mind. I’ve looked all over the internet for a replacement but it was discontinued, and I did see other women looking for the same model. It feels like that story about the stuffed velveteen rabbit that was so loved it wore out. What do I do?
A Velveteen Widow
Dear VW,
Over half of American women use vibrators, a statistic which isn’t terribly surprising. What’s interesting is that women who use vibrators are more likely to have seen a gynecologist for annual health screenings and to have overall healthier sexual function, without side effects from the use of their toys.
There’s a whole array of studies that tout the benefits of vibrator use, and no scientific evidence that overuse is really a problem. In fact, quite the opposite. Studies have shown that overuse of vibrators does not cause nerve issues and the idea of numbing yourself with vibration is a myth.
Why do I bring this up? Because women who become reliant on a specific sexual aid often worry that they have somehow caused long-lasting issues with their ability to orgasm. I’d like to reassure you that isn’t the case. There’s nothing physically stopping you from reaching orgasm using other means, such as a different vibrator, though it may take you a while to retrain your brain to respond to different stimulation.
The brain really is the largest sexual organ in our bodies. If your brain is convinced there’s only way for you to orgasm, then guess what? There will be only one way for you to orgasm. Your job is to convince your brain to think differently. Thankfully our brains do learn things, even new things, and especially new naughty things. This is good news for you.
When making any major changes in erotic patterns, patience is key. Take time alone or with your partner without pressure to orgasm and just enjoy each other. Experiment. There are oodles of sex toy shops online that may sell something similar to your favorite toy, so consider this a bit of a sex toy safari you get to embark on with your husband. Don’t be afraid to try new things and be willing to laugh if it doesn’t go as planned. Your new battery-operated best friend may end up looking similar to your old one, or it could be a completely different style of gadget. Sometimes we can be pleasantly surprised, as our test panel was with the collection of suction vibrators.
While there are obvious privacy advantages to shopping for sex toys online, I recommend couples go in person to shops together to see the products in the flesh, so to speak, and minimize wasting money on items that aren’t accurately depicted on the internet. Some sex shops (I recommend Hubba Hubba or Good Vibes in Boston and Babeland in New York) have sample toys on display that you can test drive to see how strong they are. Obviously try them on your hands, not your privates.
I understand the frustration of losing your comfort zone but consider this an erotic opportunity. You can explore fun new things together and create new pathways for your body to experience pleasure. Give it time, be creative, and focus on the things that push your mental buttons. That’s the most important button to push.
E.R.B.