Dear Elizabeth,
What advice do you have for a kind-hearted, socially inept software engineer, who is a little soft around the middle and on the wrong side of 50? Not once in my life have I had amazing sex, and I find myself on the internet wondering what it would be like to hire a professional, and whether it is possible for a regular guy like me to find something that is more than perfunctory and someone who doesn’t really hate me. I don’t want anything unusual. I’m not saying my lack of great sex isn’t my own fault. Maybe I am just hoping you’ll say, yes, you can still be a good person and pay for sex and here’s how. Maybe the answer is in Europe? Here’s hoping for a short cut.
Short Cut
Dear Short Cut,
I’d hazard a guess that most people don’t have amazing sex. We start out receiving poor sex education in our school systems. Then we have decades of social conditioning that sex is taboo and desire is problematic. Then pile on the communication difficulties that plague most couples, and it’s a recipe for mediocrity at best. Hiring someone who is practiced at eroticism is one option to give yourself a more elevated experience.
You’d have plenty of people to choose from. The world’s oldest profession still employs more than 50 million people globally and is an industry worth over $180 billion a year. These numbers can only be explained in two ways: either a few mega-wealthy billionaires are extremely busy in the sack, or there are a whole lot of normal people out there, like you, who are simply paying to have some of their needs met on a smaller scale. Statistics point to option B.
Many adults engage in sex with professionals. Numbers vary by country and presumably the data skews low, because not everyone will admit to seeing an escort. In Germany where prostitution is legal, a quarter of men report hiring sex workers. In America, the number ranges from 15-20% of men. In Spain it’s 40%, and in Thailand an overwhelming 90% of men have paid sex workers. Thailand is known as a destination for prostitution, despite being illegal there.
Aside from legal issues, there are ethics involved. You don’t want to exploit someone, so choose an independent practitioner who is age appropriate in a safe place, who charges enough for a thriving existence. Despite the stigma, less than 10% of sex workers globally have been trafficked, the majority of whom are young women in Asia, so that would be one demographic or location to avoid.
These days, independent practitioners in the adult industry have their own websites. Many are active on social media so you can assess whether you’d have things in common or enjoy each other’s company. Additionally, there are websites for reviews of service providers, which help ensure your safety.
Most sex workers don’t hate men – it would be the wrong profession for that. If you are seeking an experience you describe as “not perfunctory,” look for someone who offers GFE (girlfriend experience) on their website, and request a multi-hour booking. To be a good client and ensure they like you, do your research. Follow their instructions, be respectful in all ways, treat them like human beings rather than sex dispensers, and be generous.
Travel is a fun way to combine a bucket list item with a great vacation. Check the laws in whatever country you’d like to visit. The upside of nations where sex work is legal is frequent STI testing for providers and adequate social support systems like healthcare. The downside of traveling for this experience? You can’t build a regular client relationship if they are far away. Assess your goals and decide whether this is a once in a lifetime splurge or a regular way to treat yourself. Another downside of the “big day” travel approach is you set yourself up for performance anxiety issues, which could spoil your good time. No matter what you choose, be safe out there.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com