Rabbit vibrators have so much promise.
By definition, a rabbit is a sex toy that offers multiple sensations at once: a phallic shape for insertion and an external portion that offers simultaneous clitoral stimulation. Typically, both parts of the toy vibrate, gyrate, or otherwise offer entertainment to the genitals. Rabbits are a very popular style of sex toy, prolific at any adult novelty store in person or online. A quick search for the phrase on Amazon sends you down a rabbit hole of over 2000 results.
The options are dizzying.
At the offices of Unconventional Love, we set out to produce an honest review and our criteria were simple:
- Costing about $50 or less
- Waterproof and made of body-safe materials
- Easily available online, discreetly, and from multiple sources
I had high hopes and our test panel was very excited for this assignment. Sadly, things did not go according to plan. Instead of a set of fantastic toy recommendations, I present to you a rejected rabbit roundup full of terrible toys to avoid.
There is no titillation here, only torment.
Adam and Eve Rechargeable Thrusting Rabbit $47.99
I was optimistic about this toy because it seemed so versatile. It has a clean design with multiple functions, something for everyone, so to speak. It has vibration internally and externally, along with a thrusting motion. Each is controlled separately so you can customize the experience to your own tastes. Unfortunately, in the end this toy didn’t appeal to anyone’s tastes.
“Too many buttons and none of them good” was one critique. Multiple users complained the thrusting was downright painful, no matter what setting or angle was used. Testers also said the external vibration didn’t line up where they wanted it – an issue that plagued all of our test products.
Adam and Eve Silicone G-Gasm Rabbit $46.99
The least awful toy in our test lineup, this product was consistently described as “inoffensive but also ineffective.”
There were no complaints about discomfort. In fact, testers said it was comfortable, smooth, and fit different bodies nicely, although one user said she had to hold it awkwardly to make things line up correctly.
Once in place, it simply wasn’t enough oomph to get the job done.
California Exotics Party in My Pants Vibrator $22.78
I’ll freely admit I chose this product for testing purely because of the name. I figured whoever designed this toy at least had a sense of humor, so I was optimistic they’d bring that level of fun into their toy design.
I was mistaken.
While it looked sparkly and adorable, the performance was underwhelming. One tester felt it was “too girthy to be comfortable,” while another gave the width high praise. Despite this, the stars simply didn’t align for this toy either. Users agreed it was “adorable and mildly pleasant, but definitely not a party in my pants, unless it was a mellow garden party nobody was very excited about.”
Tracy’s Dog Beta 3-in-1 Sucking Vibrator $52
Given the success of our suction vibrator product testing, I had lofty hopes for this toy in particular. Considering how mediocre the test results were, I feel as though I owe our testers an apology for overselling the potential of the Beta 3-in-1.
“More like 3-in-none” one user joked. Others agreed. “This toy actually sucks… and not in a good way” was the consistent feedback.
Like all the products in this lineup, complaints included positioning issues and overly aggressive internal motion that one woman described as “getting punched repeatedly in the bladder.”
Tracy’s Dog Elatia Clitoral Tickling Vibrator $46.99
Unfortunately, the most creative toy we tried also seemed to provide the most unpleasant and least erotic experience. Panelists were all initially intrigued by the promised internal finger motion paired with gentle rubbery external stimulation. To put it mildly, reality did not meet expectations. This toy received universally horrible reviews that were striking in their specificity and clarity. Examples included winning phrases like:
“Clearly this was designed by a man… a man who has never felt the inside of a woman’s body!”
“Dear God no human needs their cervix juggled!”
And my personal favorite… “This isn’t a sex toy, this a fucking pap smear simulator!”
Our collective testing experience left us with more questions than endorsements. How are these toys receiving consistently positive reviews online? It’s often suggested that web retailers only publish the good reviews they receive and censor the negative ones. What about all the vendors that send out free items in exchange for rave reviews? I receive these offers quite often, perhaps because of my column, but I’m not alone in being pitched free sex toys. (Disclaimer: the items for this review were not freebies or bribes in any way!)
If rabbit vibrators don’t work for many women’s bodies, then why are they so popular? Why are they omnipresent at every sex shop, while offering no adjustability for different shapes or bodily dimensions? The clitoris is located above the vaginal opening, but the range of distance between these two anatomical landmarks ranges widely, from 1.5 cm to 4.5 cm. Ideally, personal variation should inform the design of sex toys. Given the overall lack of good education about sexuality, it’s possible many women simply don’t know what an excellent sex toy should feel like. We’re doing our best to improve this situation.
My apologies to the intrepid women of our test panel, who reported an astounding zero orgasms despite risking life and limb for these appalling sex toys.
Dear readers, we’d love to hear from you. Are there truly good rabbits out there? Please send us your recommendations. If we receive enough positive suggestions, be on the lookout for a Reader Rabbit Roundup that shares our results.
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Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com