Dear Elizabeth,
We’ve been married 30 years. I’m 58. My husband is 60. We have two sons, both now graduated from college and out on their own. I’m done with menopause and on HRT. We’re healthy, relatively fit, happy even. But with all of the obstacles of life, except life, out of the way we’re having sex less and less. And it’s not that we don’t have sex at the usual times, it’s that the unplanned encounters, which were often the best, have pretty much dropped off to nothing. Do you have advice on how the next 20 years can work out, maintaining the spark, but understanding that we’re two conventional people, and kind of like it that way.
Keeping the Spark
Dear Keeping the Spark,
You’ve made it through the hardest years of a partnership and are in for the long haul, but don’t want it to feel like a haul. The two of you have a happy, healthy relationship and are simply seeking a bit more enjoyment together. That’s a very reasonable goal. You are facing two challenges simultaneously: familiarity and aging. These challenges often coincide, but not always.
Familiarity is a mixed blessing. The longer you are with a partner, the deeper the potential emotional connection, the higher the trust, and the better you can navigate each other’s bodies. You know how to turn each other on and how to relax together. All of these are positive things. The downside? Boredom.
The majority of intimate partner relationships follow a pattern: a honeymoon phase where passion is intense and frequent and everything is new, followed by a period of shared exploration, then finally periods of commitment and acceptance. Therapists and researchers differ on the exact time frames involved and the specific number of phases, but that’s a generally accepted guideline.
As we move into the later phases of romantic partnerships, intimacy often decreases in frequency. In my experience working with couples, on average the 2.5-year mark is when partners tend to notice a significant change in their sex lives. The fact that you are both well beyond this and still being intimate is an excellent sign for your future enjoyment of each other.
Aging is your second hurdle. Intimacy struggles can impact couples of all ages. Younger couples can also grapple with infrequent intimacy, given how hectic life can be, but the hormone changes of menopause add complexity to sex for many older women. Men are not immune to the sexual effects of aging either. You both have stayed fit and healthy together, which is commendable.
My advice to you both? Date your partner. Don’t take each other for granted. Set aside time for romantic outings to enjoy shared activities, and don’t underestimate the effectiveness of putting sexual dates on the calendar. You say you are both fairly conventional and that’s totally fine. You don’t have to plan crazy encounters where one of you is dangling from the ceiling by your kneecaps in order to have passion. Simple touch is incredibly effective.
Intimacy starts outside of the bedroom. Act intentionally with your affections and do it often. Walk by him in the kitchen and squeeze his butt. Pause for a passionate kiss when you cross paths in the hallway. Tell him what you find sexy or charming about him, and vice versa. Use your words, use your eyes, and use your knowledge of each other’s bodies to full advantage.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com