Dear Elizabeth,
Why don’t people want to date anymore?
It seems like everyone wants to keep things casual and leave their options open, so what happened to people wanting to form bonds with each other? I’m finally at a point in my life where I want to settle down and find someone to come home to each day, and I feel like the only person on the dating sites who is looking for that. I’ve obviously tried finding people through friends too, but the same thing keeps happening. Why is nobody serious?
Seriously Alone
Dear Seriously Alone,
Dating can be about as joyful as taking a relaxing dip in a pool of piranhas or leisurely getting the inside of your nostrils tattooed.
People are flaky. They often misrepresent who they are, what they want, or what they can offer. It would be so much simpler if everyone was upfront about their desires. Even for good, honest people, dating is hard. There are several reasons it’s harder than it used to be.
Your letter doesn’t indicate your age, but times have changed since our parents were dating, whatever generation your parents belong to.
When you have to choose between paying your rent or mortgage versus taking someone cute on a fancy date, there really isn’t much option. Dating is expensive.
One reason people keep things casual is because changes in economics mean that many even middleclass people can no longer afford serious courtship. Nobody wants to sell a kidney to afford a dozen roses, dinner, movie tickets, and a tub of popcorn. And what’s the point in seeing a movie without popcorn? Extra butter, please.
Americans aren’t starting families at the rate they used to. The average first-time parent is now 27 rather than 20. One main reason couples delay having kids or opt out entirely? Finances. If couples aren’t riding the relationship escalator towards parenting, there’s less incentive to partner up in such a serious way. And more adults are moving towards non-traditional relationship styles.
Another reason? Dating apps suck. Dating apps give an illusion of endless choices, which paradoxically encourages impossibly high standards. If you think there are hundreds of other options, why bother compromising with someone? Why bother working through any relationship snags if there are so many other contenders? But apps don’t really let you assess chemistry or compatibility very well and are understandably fading in popularity.
Social media has the same challenge. It presents a false image of what people are actually like, because many users only post the shining moments of their lives. Social media leads us to believe in endless glamour and travel.
There is one positive reason behind the shifts in dating culture. Women now have more rights and can function independently. Women no longer need a spouse to have banking access, credit cards, or the other trappings of adulthood. I’m still shocked at how recently this wasn’t true. It’s allowed women to leave abusive spouses or family members and elevate their standards.
In all the chaos, don’t give up. Be transparent with future dates about what you seek, so you practice what you preach. Find potential partners through shared activities rather than dating apps. And remember that the sexiest feature you can have is confidence – something that the illusory nature of social media often takes away from us. Bring your authentic, quirky self to the table, and remember to indulge in the extra butter on the popcorn.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com