Dear Elizabeth,
We want the sex but don’t want the jealousy or complications. So, we were wondering whether there is a safe, ethical way to hire a woman (and maybe separately a man) to join us in bed? Price is (almost) no object, but there are so many ways this could go wrong. How do we handle this while still enjoying ourselves and being somewhat risk free?
Going Pro
Dear GP,
If you wanted a really nice haircut for a special occasion, you’d hire a professional. If you needed a risky medical procedure performed, you’d hire a professional too. Home surgery sounds funny, but it’s generally a terrible idea. If you’re considering engaging in something emotionally and physically risky in your relationship, wouldn’t it make sense to hire a professional for that too?
Sex work gets a bad rap. When many people hear the word “prostitute” they think of a downtrodden, addicted woman in a seedy neighborhood forced into her job by an abusive pimping man. The reality is quite different. The majority of sex workers are single mothers. And many have chosen the adult industry because it allows schedule flexibility to work while their children are in school. These jobs let them be at home with their kids in the afternoons and evenings or stay home when a child gets ill or needs special attention.
Many sex workers are disabled. People with disabilities may fall into a grey area: too sick to reliably work a 40+ hour week but too healthy to qualify for disability benefits. Sex work allows women (and men) to be their own bosses, setting the schedule that works best for their health, often with fewer hours. Most people who do receive disability benefits in the US struggle to function on such low income, so they often seek part-time supplemental work.
Stigma abounds for the clients of sex workers too. How many men have hired sex workers? Way more than you’d expect. Numbers range dramatically by location: from 14% of men in the Netherlands where it is legal to 95% of men in Thailand where it’s not. Here in the United States, about 16% of men in some surveys admit to it, with numbers likely much higher. Kinsey’s report decades ago placed the number closer to 69%. So if you do decide to indulge in this fantasy, you will be in good company.
There are ways to manage your risks in this process. Most importantly, have transparent communication with each other about what you want from the experience. Be clear about your boundaries. Jot down some notes and share those goals and limits with the person you hire. When you are seeking out a professional, make sure they work with couples and understand what you are looking to experience.
Be a good client. Have realistic expectations, communicate honestly, and be patient with the process. Complete whatever safety screening they ask for, within reason. Small gifts are likely appreciated, but tips are always better. Nobody ever says no to money! Be punctual, tidy, polite, and fun.
A “no strings attached” professional experience can have many advantages. You have an expectation of discretion, safer sex, and clear negotiation that may not happen if you spontaneously pick up some hot babe at a bar for a threesome. One additional suggestion: by traveling to a place where it’s legal to have this experience, you’re less likely to run into them later at a PTA meeting.
E.R.B.
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Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com