Dear Elizabeth,
I’m a guy who is passionate about two things in life: my girlfriend and skiing. Each winter I ski as much as I can, sometimes alone and sometimes with friends. The thing is, I’d love to combine the two and get my girlfriend skiing. I’ve asked her previous winters and she was too busy. This year she seems open to the idea, but how do I make sure it sticks? I don’t want her to get hurt. She gets grumpy when I’m always off skiing with the guys so it would be cool to share it with her too. She’d be a beautiful ski bunny.
Slopeside
Dear Slopeside,
I’m an avid skier, so your letter is near and dear to my heart. I can also speak from experience, having been taught to ski by a partner when I was an adult. It can be a minefield, but I have a few pointers for making sure it’s enjoyable for her rather than frustrating.
Go slow. This is a marathon not a sprint, and it can take all season for her to really feel comfortable on skis. It’s pretty easy for little kids to learn new sports, but it’s much more difficult to learn as an adult. This is particularly true if she doesn’t have any past experience that would help her learn. If someone has a background in ice skating, rollerblading, or water skiing, their learning curve is a lot less steep.
Your goal is to take baby steps so as not to overwhelm her or make the experience frustrating. Make sure she knows why you want to do this: to spend time with her sharing something you love. Being good at something isn’t the point, especially in the beginning. It’s about quality time together and making memories. If she takes off and is a natural, that’s great, your job will be way easier! But if she’s a disaster on two sticks, be gentle and enjoy laughing together.
The most important component: lessons, lessons, and more lessons. There are two reasons to hire a pro for this project. First off, unless you’ve been a professional ski instructor, they’ll do a better job. Second, there will be fewer emotions at stake with a neutral person showing her how it’s done. A package of lessons is a thoughtful holiday gift. She’ll be more likely to follow through if the package is prepaid, rather than taking things one lesson at a time.
One of my first ski instructors explained to me that men and women learn the sport very differently. He was in his 70s with decades of teaching under his belt. In his experience, he had to teach men how to be afraid and teach women how not to be afraid. He said he hated having a semi-private lesson with one man and one woman, because he had to teach two different lessons and tell them not to listen to each other. Otherwise, without proper instruction, men would be reckless, and women would be too cautious to enjoy themselves.
This may partially explain the gender gap in snow sports. According to research by the National Ski Areas Association, at younger ages the population of skiers and snowboarders is equally balanced. But by age 67, women only make up around 30% of the skiing and riding population. Adrenaline is unlikely to be the only explanation; economics must play a role.
Men and women also differ in injuries. Skiing is risky, but men have a higher rate of overall injuries while women are more prone to knee issues. Making sure she has professionally fitted boots, skis that are appropriate for a beginner, and a general level of fitness off the mountain will all help keep her body safe. Bonus points for gear that makes her butt look good – this is a challenge in snow pants.
Outside of her lessons, focus on her. Take her lesson time as the opportunity to ski the terrain you really want to ski, whether that’s crushing bumps, doing zany things in the park, or dodging really fast trees. But when her lesson is over, meet up with her and spend the rest of your ski time by her side. Don’t ditch her to hang out with your friends. Boring as it might be, get used to being on the bunny slope with her this season. It’s an investment in time that will pay off in the long haul.
I’ve seen many couples in raging arguments on the ski hill. If you follow my suggestions, you’re more likely to end up on-piste rather than pissed off.
E.S.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com