Dear Elizabeth,
I’m writing with a bit of an “against the stereotype” question.
I’m a senior in college and involved with a man who is slightly older. We’ve been dating a few months. He brings a lot to the table that men my age don’t: he’s experienced, well-traveled and successful. What he is not is casual, and that’s my issue.
I guess the stereotype is that women are supposed to want to be serious and committed, especially in a situation like this, but I want the option to date around and explore. I don’t know that I’ll ever want kids, and he’s freaking me out a little with the “where have you been all my life” talk. How can I let him down easy?
Keeping it Casual
Dear KIC,
It can be hard to let someone down easily when they want too much too fast. Sometimes it’s necessary. In our lifetimes, we can meet a lot of people who are physically and emotionally compatible with us, but who may want very different things. Sometimes we date people who are at different places in terms of growth and goals. I’ll share my thoughts with you, but the most important question is this: what do you really want?
Are you seeking to keep him in your life but slow the pace? Or are you, as you put it, “freaked out” to the point of needing an exit strategy? It’s unfair to you both to continue the relationship if you’re entirely emotionally checked out. If you’d be happy with less intensity but more dates in the future, there are ways to talk about it.
Most importantly, be transparent as early as possible about what you’re seeking from people you date. The less you share about your dating goals, the less likely you are to have those goals met. Nobody comes equipped with a crystal ball, and my experiences consulting those plastic Magic Eight Ball toys hasn’t been super successful either. Still worth a try.
Here’s the tricky thing. To be transparent with someone else, you must first be transparent with yourself. People often say they want one thing outwardly, when subconsciously they want something completely different. I’ve coached people for years, only to watch them finally have an “AHA!” moment about their true desires months into the process. Getting from that internal “AHA!” to being able to share the information outwardly can also take time. Know thyself.
All forms of relationship goals are valid. It’s totally okay if you want to avoid the relationship escalator. It’s also totally okay to be casual. On the flipside, it’s okay to be super serious or to only want soul-merging levels of connection. It’s also perfectly acceptable to change your mind midstream; just be honest about that change as quickly and gently as possible.
When you say he’s too much, is it the time or the intensity? Or is it the expectation of an endless future together that spooks you? For your own sake, do some inner work about which piece of the equation is turning you off.
If it’s the time commitment that scares you, consider de-escalating your dating schedule together. Casual doesn’t necessarily equal effortless or short-term. People can date in a chill way on a lengthy basis. I’ve known couples who dated for 20 years and never lived together, opting to only see each other on weekends. This allowed them ample time during weekdays for seeing friends, doing hobbies, focusing on work, or relaxing alone. It worked beautifully for them. You can absolutely have intense, passionate love with someone you see once or twice a month, too.
If it’s the intensity that’s turning you off, have a conversation with him about your need for something less emotionally consuming. Perhaps you want to see other people, which is a valid desire at any age, especially for someone as young as you are. If you’re happy with sexual monogamy but want more space for friends, talk about ways to avoid the tendency for couples to evolve into toxic monogamy that can feel oppressive.
Relationship options really should be more like a good ice cream parlor, offering dozens of tasty flavors to choose from. There’s no “one size fits all” like a bad pair of tube socks. Choose what works for your needs, share your desires and goals with him gently, and be authentic to what makes you happy.
E.R.B.
Elizabeth R. Busbee earned a doctorate at Yale and specializes in issues of gender, sexuality, and communication. She has been helping people explore and enjoy intimacy for over 20 years. Her private relationship and intimacy coaching practice can be reached at alternativeintimacy.com
Have a question you’d like answered? Write to Elizabeth at UnconventionalLoveCoach@gmail.com